January 2023 There’s an MP called Jacob Rees-Mogg Who always continues to flog His lies about Brexit When challenged he legs it As we laugh at his posh dialogue Rishi sat in the back of his car And wondered “What will make me a star?” The final straw Would be if I broke the law” But no seat belt was going too far Conservative chairman Nadhim When running the Treasury team Was told to pay tax On some of the stacks Of cash from his dodgy tax scheme Oh come off it Mr Zahawi! Do you really think all that we’ll see Is you’ve done nothing wrong And all this ding-dong Is a sign of our jealousy? He just didn’t pay all his tax “Whoopsy me ….. must have been been very lax” But then HMRC Gave a penalty His excuses were full of big cracks February 2023 Liz says she wasn’t given a chance When her theories she tried to advance So she and chum Kwasi Flushed their plans down the khazi Poor things ….. they seem to live in a trance Perhaps Roald’s language was right at the time But today it’s considered a crime Oompa-Loompa’s OK But troggle-humper some say Is just wrong ……. what a great pantomime!!! Thèrése Coffey in Parliament did speak Her words were very sombre and bleak "It's now turnip and lettuce Big Boris has said he's Eaten both and it's shaped his physique" If it’s so good to stay in tell us why You took us out and now always decry Remainers as Remoaners As dimwits and groaners All us plebs can do now is scrape by March 2023 Matt resigned and then wrote a book He said “Isabel ….. come take a look All these lines in WhatsApp Show I’m a fine chap” But the rest of us think he’s a crook But before all that fuss had begun He went off to Oz for some fun He ate kangaroo penis I just wish he’d seen us All laugh [shown on BBC1] All we can hope for is that Book sales are remarkably flat And Matt sinks without trace But he does so with grace And we forget about Mattie the rat A former PM name of Boris Had a friend in his soulmate Nad Dorries “Come on you guys We’ve never told lies And you won’t hear us say any sorries” Boris wants to give Dad a knighthood And we know that he would if he could But while Stanley drools Folks yelled “Breaks the rules!!! Is Boris’s brain just dead wood? Hey, King Charles has popped up on our stamps!!! And the country’s in one of two camps For some, Royalty’s bad But it makes others glad So glad that it gives them the cramps So our stamps now have a new face Charles has taken his late mother’s place Thank the Lord it’s not Gandhi Or even worse Andy That would be such a total disgrace Yes our stamps now have that new face It’s his fate, Charles must now take his place Let’s hope many years more Cos he’s seventy four But William’s all prepared, just in case You can tell that Boris wasn’t cool When the Privileges Committee said “You’ll Have to explain Why you didn’t abstain And then went on to break every rule” There was one sign that gave it away Something that was on full display He’d had a haircut And not only that but He’d combed it [plus a bit of hairspray?] His defence appears to be this [Spat out with a snarl and a hiss] “Your reasoning’s flimsy And almost pure whimsy” Then he looked smug and blew them a kiss They never actually said that he’d lied When charge after charge he denied When his story got sketchy He was shaken and tetchy And disdainful and flippant and snide So now I guess we’ve just got to wait While the committee considers his fate Will he sink without trace? Will he go with good grace? Could this now be the final checkmate? Do you think Johnson and Trump are a pair? Both have an inborn and natural flair For telling big lies Then saying “You guys Are lucky with me ……. don’t despair” Do you think Johnson and Trump are a pair? Their outrageous lies make us stare In sheer disbelief Supreme liars-in-chief I wonder ….. is it dyed [that blonde hair]? Do you think Johnson and Trump are a pair? Both narcissists that you cannot compare You might say corrupt Don’t you dare interrupt By saying it’s gone way past repair Do you think Johnson and Trump are a pair? It’s all been an awful nightmare Just one thing in their brains And it flows through their veins That’s self-interest ….. they simply don’t care April 2023 King Charles was in the news here last week He went over to Germany to speak He spoke there in German And didn’t wear ermine Even so, he looked dapper and chic There is an MP named Scott Benton Who stupidly suddenly went on An unethical racket Expecting a packet But along came the whips ……. he was leant on Thank goodness the doctors are back They want to be paid their fair whack Ummmmm …… could they be locums? Cos that’s when more dough comes Or emigrate to the outback? Joe Biden popped over to see Rishi Sunak for a cup of tea Whatever their chat It’s bound to fall flat Cos the DUP will not agree Thank goodness the doctors are back But it’s still looking quite dire and black Next it’s them and the nurses So it’s the unions versus Mr Barclay ….. so give him the sack So Dominic Raab has resigned And he obviously felt much maligned “Please understand fully That I ain’t a bully” [Perhaps loathsome and vile come to mind?] So Dominic Raab has resigned To his failings he was conveniently blind He was crude, he was rude And right now he’s screwed He deserves it …… for being unkind So Dominic Raab has resigned He claims he’s been falsely maligned He said “I ain’t abrasive” His words weren’t persuasive And the joy of his staff’s unconfined! Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Was a gent who we saw now and then Will he be giving heaven A score of just seven? Or maybe a glorious ten? Hey, on Thursday we’re off to the polls! To vote Councillors into their roles Greens, Lib Dems and Tories Fight their territories I just want them to mend the potholes! Hey, on Thursday we’re all off to the polls! [Won’t take too much searching of souls] Don’t forget your ID To prevent forgery And say “Hi” to the ID patrols May 2023 Rishi thought of a cunning new wheeze “You can believe me ….. this isn’t a tease. I’ll fill in the potholes! Set up Pothole Patrols So today vote Conservative please!!!!!” “Soon every road will be flat Like a pancake. And more than that I’ll paint them all blue They’ll look good as new At least mine will …… see the pic on Snapchat” Charles is now crowned as our King He was covered in robes and some bling No need to audition Cos it’s all tradition It’s mighty strange this royalty thing We plebs were asked to mutter some words Which some thought was away with the birds They said “Not my thing And Charles ain’t my king And we’re not just republican nerds” “It’s gone well past its best-before date How much longer will we all have to wait? Perhaps the solution Is a revolution? And then we’ll shout out “Britain’s Great” Harry went to his dad’s coronation Which caused a bit of consternation Didn’t stay for the fight Just caught the return flight Not welcome at their celebration Eurovision was back on our screens The UK could win .......in our dreams We came twenty-fifth But we weren’t twenty-sixth So maybe not as bad as it seems Eurovision was back on our screens From Liverpool …… and we know what that means A world-wide campaign To salute brave Ukraine The crowd was packed in like sardines Sweden’s Loreen, she won the show And us? You just don’t want to know Let’s put it this way Please excuse the cliché Next to bottom …… poor Mae what a blow If Suella asked me for advice I’d say you could try to be nice Please spare those Dalmatians No fur fashion creations Quite easy ……it’s plain black and weiss If Suella asked me for advice A comment I’d make in a trice Build a camp at Northeye? Bexhill will ask why And the Tories will then pay the price If Suella asked me for advice I’d say “Stop …… you’re not very nice In fact you’re corrupt Please don’t interrupt Just reflect and maybe think twice” Please tell me, it’s been thirteen long years And the country still cries and sheds tears Nothing is working And you lot are smirking You just look after your mates and careers You look round for someone to blame But all your excuses are lame You start culture wars But the fault is all yours Tory heads should be hanging in shame Show compassion. And show that you care Don’t give us lies and spin and hot air Don’t continually grumble Most of all please be humble Be alert. Be alive. Be aware June 2023 It was Thatcher who sold off our water Leading us just like lambs to the slaughter “The market knows best You can forget all the rest” Not bad for a shopkeeper’s daughter Now the country has left the EU Tell me one thing where there’s not a queue It’s all rack and ruin And there’s more trouble brewing With Johnson and his big WhatsApp coup Nadine cried “No damehood for me????” Oh that’s nasty ….. as nasty can be” So Nads rang her mate And Boris said “Great! Let’s harass that pipsqueak Rishi” Johnson’s not gone cos of cake Or the occasional tiny mistake “The rules ain’t for me I’m posh Boris you see. And the piss I’m entitled to take” Rees-Mogg was on TV last night Saying it’s not black, it’s white When he goes to confession It’s a very long session On this country they’ve both been a blight Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Putin All lying, all cheating and shooting To gain personal power The depths they will scour Fact is, this world they’re polluting Shall we write about Fabricant’s hair? Or might that be a little unfair? He denies it’s a wig Saying “I don’t give a fig You’re jealous. Don’t stand there and stare” A blond mop. AKA Fabricant’s hair Is he bald and it’s a wig he does wear? He looks like a chump Even weirder than Trump A syrup that he wears for a dare Think so ……. just look at an earlier pic Of Sir Michael when he looked dapper and slick He looked normal back then It was much later when We started laughing and taking the mick Shall we write about Fabricant’s hair? He’s 73 but it’s long and still fair Was it by nature created Or by man Fabricated One in the wash, one to wear Elton John’s back at Glasto this year In his career he used to appear On the stage with big boots Large specs and glam suits A melodic and smooth balladeer But let’s not forget he’s a knight And his real name is actually Dwight His hits there were many And time and again he Made his audience yell with delight July 2023 Oh, how would we cope with Rwanda? And Suella just after she’d planned a Dastardly scheme [She says it’s her dream] This Conservative cruel propaganda They’ve called him Frank Alfred Odysseus Which just happens to rhyme with perfidious Maybe Frank the young lad Will be just like his Dad? Oh doesn’t that make you feel rather queasy-ous? They’ve called him Frank Alfred Odysseus Think I’ll sit down and write a long thes-ius About how he’ll be like his Dad No goodness, all bad And no way a great man of the people-ous They’ve called him Frank Alfred Odysseus Hang on! It’s getting ridiculous Boris 8 Carrie 3 Or have I missed one? Maybe There’s another ….. whose name is Chlamydious? They’ve called him Frank Alfred Odysseus And I hope for a while he’s oblivious To how his father lied To us all, nationwide A man who is truly perfidious The Lionesses played Haiti today And having watched it I feel I must say There’s a very good chance That they will advance In fact, they could go all the way! Years ago women’s football was banned A view that we can’t now understand “Not fitting for females” In England and Wales But now it’s played all over the land Farage had his Coutt’s account closed It seems they weren’t too well-disposed With his views about boats [And not enough groats] So he carped on about feeling exposed August 2023 Rishi popped up this morning with Nick And I’ll admit he was quick and quite slick But in touch with us proles? No way say the polls He sounded like a bit of a dick Is Bibby Stockholm a nice place to stay? Definitely not ….. it’s awful …… no way Would I want to be there? In such a dismal place where We should be shouting “No way José” Is Bibby Stockholm a nice place to stay? Perhaps we’d do better to pray That the men we send there Take very great care And move out quickly …… perhaps in a day [or two] Is Bibby Stockholm a nice place to stay? ‘Who cares? Just pull up the gangway!’ As she stood on the quay Suella ordered with glee “Head for France, yes it’s anchors away!” The Red Arrows didn’t make it today Not the same without their display Airbourne was disjointed We were all disappointed Fingers crossed that tomorrow’s OK!!!!!! Michael P used to be a highlight Years ago on a Saturday night He spoke to them all And with Rod had a brawl But with the emu it turned into a fight Michael P used to be a highlight On our TVs every Saturday night To the stars he would chat Talk that seldom fell flat He didn’t think that an emu he’d fight Cagney, Wayne and also Astaire All sat in the opposite chair There was humour and truth But polite………not uncouth Except if Connolly’s there ….. then take care September 2023 Last week there were no planes in the sky So the Air Traffic people did cry “The computer’s gone down” They went on with a frown “It’s just not safe to let anyone fly” But don’t worry …… it’s not all grief and bad news! Gillian Keegan gave the country her views “Some schools will stay shut More safety fears but You can now have some late barbeques” Is your child back to school from next week? Hang on …….. Gill’s just started to speak!!! What’s that you say? Years and years of decay And no school maintenance so the future is bleak Yikes!!! It’s back to home schooling for some Alone ….. with no chums ….. feeling glum The concrete is crumbling Whilst the government’s fumbling New depths we have now started to plumb It’s gone to complete ruin and RAAC Let’s ask Gav if he wants to come back Then he can say “RAAC concrete …… go away” Then Rishi can give him the sack [again] Last week there were no planes in the sky All the passengers were left high and dry They had their holidays spoiled And their tempers all boiled We look at our country and sigh. Gillian's career may have run out of luck In cricket terms out for a duck? Don’t want to sound naggy But was she thinking of Shaggy When off-mike she said “What the Dickens has been going on here?” Shaggy often sang “Wasn’t me” But not thinking of schools and debris Gills must move quicky Stay at home? Pull a sicky? Or say that she’ll fix it for free!!! Was it Sky where poor Gills had that ruck? There she was ….. in the RAAC …... firmly stuck “This isn’t a farce So get off your bottom Bad luck …….. I’m now passing the buck” Gill's career has run out of luck “That Rishi must think I’m a schmuck He’s trying to fudge it But he set the budget And it’s me who is stopping the buck” The triple lock is once more under threat Is it time to break out in a sweat? There’ll be lots of tension If Rish changes the pension Could be something that he’ll live to regret Waiting lists continue to grow “Not my fault …… what you need to know It’s the doctors on strike They just do what they like And my pledge? Well it’s all touch and go” Do shoplifters fear they’ll get caught? How much stuff have they recently bought? Very little it seems They go round nicking in teams To them it’s just a lucrative sport Disposable vapes must be banned At first they seemed harmless and bland But you’ll soon be addicted As the makers predicted It’s a plot that’s so carefully planned Our vapes will help you stop smoking Good news! We'll soon stop you croaking But we’ll put in a flavour That children will savour A social conscience? You have to be joking Disposable vapes must be banned! Said Suella “I’m making a stand” Then she started to puff And her voice went all gruff And she growled “This ain’t what I planned” She coughed and she spluttered a bit Sounded like she was talking through grit “No more G & T It’s vapes now for me Just call me a vape hypocrite” Building HS2 isn’t going too well Rishi’s skint and has just rung a bell He said that it oughta Be a lot shorter But then Boris, well he got up to yell If we lived way up north we might say To go from Brum up to Manc takes all day We need to go quicker So Rishi don’t bicker Just let the posh Southerners pay An idea to avoid all this flack Is do it cheaper …… perhaps using RAAC? When the cracks start to show You’ll be well down skid row But still waving your Union Jack The moral of this sorry tale Is Boris lies come unstuck …… they derail You gave him your soul Then he dug a big hole And left you in it …… to flounder and fail HS2 isn’t going too well The bill’s huge and continues to swell It’ll now stop in Brum Leeds? That’s too big a sum We need Isambard Kingdom Brunel! The ticket offices they want to close Old? Don’t care about those Don’t have to be prophets It’s all about profits While the passengers pay through the nose Do we wish for the old days of steam When the brass on the engine did gleam The waiting room fire And a porter for hire Train driver ….. a little boy's dream “What isn’t working in the UK? Multiculturalism” …… Suella in the US of A “I’m not talking about me I’m sure you’ll agree” And Tory racists all cheered and said “YAY”!!!!! October 2023 Sycamore Gap …….. where there once was a tree Is now empty and it’s not there to see Why – we ask – why Did that noble tree die? Let’s hope that its spirit is free It was there next to Hadrian’s Wall Seen a lot ….. in fact saw it all It had many a story Of death, hope and glory And the prayers that were said at nightfall A moron plus chainsaw is bad Together they made many souls sad People look down wide-eyed To the spot where it died And remembered the memories they had It’s all change, we are the new Tories Impersonations? Just listen to Rory’s His Jacob Rees-Mogg Is a pure epilogue But he’s useless with numbskull Nad Dorries “The last thirteen years? Twas not me” Rishi hoped saying that he’d be free But no Rishi …… no Despite your gusto You were there all the time …….. bended knee Long term is us? What a laugh No need for a sliderule or graph Says Rishi “No fuss Just what’s good for us” As he gazed out on the Cenotaph He continued “Oh what a wheeze Long-term’s for the birds and the bees It’s what works right now We’ll get through it somehow Till the next time. It’s easy, a breeze” It’s all change, we are the new Tories With Rishi we’ll march to new glories “No more defection We can win the election! Just hang on while we all change our stories” Some stardust was tipped over Keir He sparkled and said “It’s now clear We’re the government in waiting” And he finished by stating That “The Tories will soon disappear” “Tell me one thing that’s not busted and broke” He had tears in his eyes as he spoke “I want to discuss Why you should all trust Labour Stardust …. that’s my masterstroke” And with that he just whipped out some dust And said “With this dust I entrust Wes Streeting and Lammy To start singing “Mammee” And everything else we’ve discussed” Straightaway Wes and Dave sung out loud “We’re Keir’s soldiers and we’re ever so proud To sing Mammee for you It’ll be our breakthrough Then perhaps The Red Flag if allowed” Lisa Nandy wasn’t sure about that But Ang said “It’ll knock ‘em out flat Those posh Tory scum Know that we’ll overcome And they’ll fall apart with a deafening splat” As Rishi sinks even more in the polls And the Cabinet? They’re just pathetic rag dolls Thanks to the skipper Labour now looks rather chipper They’re up for it …. with all their hearts and their souls Let’s not pretend it’s plain sailing from now But I’m confident Keir will do it somehow He’s the man for the job Or my name’s not Builder Bob And with that I’m gonna leave you …….. so ciao Our cause is just, our cause is right Said _______ * supporters last night But others? They say That to talk is the way Without ________**, the future’s not bright * insert any of the following ASLEF/Abortion Rights/Amnesty/Animal Welfare/BBC/Boris Johnson/Britain in Europe/CAMRA/CBI/CND/Christian Aid/Climate Change/Conservative/Consultants/ Countryside Alliance/David Bowie Fan Club/Extinction Rebellion/Friends of the Earth/Global Justice/Grape Growers/Greenpeace/HS2/Just Stop Oil/Keir Starmer/LGBTQ/Labour Party/Leave Means Leave/Liberal Democrat/Love Island/Man United/Migration Watch/NHS/National Trust/Oxfam/Piano Restorers/RSPCA/Rural England/Scottish Nationalist/Stop AIDS/Surfers Against Sewage/Taxpayers Alliance/Trade Union/Vegetarian/Wine Producers/Xylophone UK/Yachting Association/Zoological Society ** insert any of the following Acceptance/Compassion/Compromise/Humanity/Listening/Negotiation/Respect/Tolerance/Understanding Nadine’s got a book called “The Plot” Is this something of a parting shot? From the government [Tory] Quite lacking in glory With Johnson’s fall from grace the top spot So Boris is going to join GB News! To bombard us each day with his views PM days may be over But he’s fallen in clover So the “Off” button I think I will choose November 2023 “Johnson’s a trolley” said Cummings and Cain They repeated it again and again But Nadine wrote a lot In a book called “The Plot” Dark secrets she went on to explain “My hero! My sidekick! My star! I find it extremely bizarre Why they don’t love you like me And all the time disagree They can’t wait to say “Bye Boris ….. au revoir” In fact Dom’s language was coarser than that He spat it out like a drunk alley cat He effed and he blinded And said “Now I’ve resigned-ed I’ll say **** off to that overgrown brat” “Trolley’s just too kind a word For that **** ….. it’s completely absurd He’s a blond-headed blob Who wasn’t up to the job [A ***** is the word I preferred] Suella ….. can she get any worse? Yes she can ….. it’s just strange and perverse “Seeds of hate? I’m a sower Just watch me sink lower Then listen as I rant and I curse” To think she’s in charge is a joke I think that most ordinary folk Just want her to go And stop all this woe Deary dear …… does that sound a bit woke? At the moment she’s still got a job Will Rishi say “You’ve got a big gob? You really are dire So you I must fire From the Cabinet you’ve got your demob” So Suella has finally been sacked Do you think that our e-mails were hacked? Did Rishi take note Of all the words that we wrote And said “Suella ….. now get your bags packed?” David Cameron is known as “Lord Dave” I think he’s remarkably brave I admire the fella As he follows Suella Unlike her, I’m sure that he will behave Yes Lord Dave is our new Foreign Sec He looks out on the Foreign Sec’s deck Suella’s been sacked And I think she’s now cracked She’s bitter and resembles a wreck Lord Dave …... at the Bullingdon Club [For young toffs …… it’s a posh sort of pub] An orchestral gig And the occasional pig To a chorus of rub-a-dub-dub Seems that the court has got it all wrong Rwanda’s been safe all along! The government ghouls Are rewriting the rules Fingers crossed …… it’ll be the Tory swansong But some confusion in the papers today! About Cleverley and if he piped up to say That the Rwanda policy Was written in Wallasey And was “batshit” and “No way José” Doctor Who!!! It was sixty last week!!! William Hartnell looked so old and antique In 1963 [Black and white …. not 3D] At the start of its great winning streak It was a must on a Saturday night And the Daleks! Boy they gave us a fright! With their “E-X-T-E-R-M-I-N-A-T-E” They always tried to dictate But broke down when they started to fight Yes Doctor Who was way ahead of its time The good Doctor often told us that “I’m A galactic defender Watch as I change gender You can see me on Amazon Prime” It seems that Rishi had a fit of pique Ranting “There’s no way that I’m gonna speak About the marbles …… they’re ours! I don’t care if he glowers That Kyri guy’s foreign …… is he Greek?” “Lord Elgin paid in cash after lunch OK perhaps it was that Ottoman bunch Kyri may bleat But we’ve got the receipt” He thought that was the knockout punch “Lost your marbles?” asked Keir with a smile “You need to relax mate and chill. And meanwhile Don’t look sad and don’t groan Just pick up the phone To have a word with Mr Jeremy Kyle” “Conflict resolution? He’s brill I’m sure there’ll be no grief or ill-will Instead big dividends With you and Kyri as friends Believe me it’s gonna be such a thrill” But Rishi then exploded with rage With Keir’s idea he just didn’t seem to engage He stuck his chest out with pride And said “I’ve got the law on my side Legal claptrap ….. you communist sage” Some say it’s just a Sunak-style stunt So Rishi-weako doesn’t have to confront The country’s loud wailings About continual failings By both himself and Mr Jeremy Hunt For a moment we all looked elsewhere And thought “The marbles ….. oh boy how we care” But then we thought “Whoa!!! Do we really? Hell no!!! Not while the country’s in such disrepair” Praise the Lord!!!! Rwanda’s safe after all!!!! At a meeting in Kigali town hall Jimmy C said “Our treaty Is detailed and meaty” A giant standing twenty feet tall He didn’t say that the court got it wrong He just said “We were right all along This place is stunning And our agreement is cunning So please join me as I sing a song” With that he suddenly started to sing Moving rhythmically in a sort of a swing When he started to clap There were yells “Stop it! It’s crap You can go now we’ve got everything” What happens next? Will planes start to fly? Well while Cleverly’s slapping his thigh Appeals there’ll be many Or my name’s not Kenny And the months will then slowly drag by December 2023 Golly gosh!!! It’s all out of control Has Rishi Sunak just scored an own goal? He’s a dead man who’s walking And Suella? She’s stalking Do the Tories understand the word “soul”? What a week! Don’t want many of those Tory MPs lining up to oppose Are they aware Of our contempt and despair Surely Sunak they’ll quite quickly depose? All cos Jenrick said “Won’t work so I’m off” Another privileged Tory-boy toff “Suella’s my mate And I think she’s great How dare Rishi say “Why don’t you ……. go away?” Whilst in the jungle Nigel’s just licking his lips At the prospect of apocalypse He started to dribble When he had a quick nibble Of kangaroo penis and chips Let’s hope that sometime very soon We’ll be rid of Mr Rishi the Goon Then we’ll welcome Sir Keir And we’ll cheer until we’re All smiley like a smiley-face moon Fingers crossed that ASAP Tories out …. oh what joy that will be When Sir Keir’s at the top I’m gonna jump skip and hop Shouting “YOO HOO!!!!” and “YAY!!!” and “WHOOPEEEE!!!!!” Golly gosh!!! It’s all out of control No it’s not, it’s a plot, it’s their goal It’s all gone down the pan The s***t’s hit the fan The Torys plan to lose the next poll Let’s hope that now Christmas is here And it’s near the end of a heartbreaking year The world will find peace And all killing will cease Love and tolerance might then soon reappear Yes! We can buy a pint bottle of wine Oh boy that’s so great. It’s divine Get the big calls all right Don’t you dare say that’s ……. ridiculous Fingers crossed it’ll turn out just fine “We voted to take back control!!!” Shouted Sid “This was always our goal To buy a pint of Rosé And keep Remainers at bay” Then he got up and went for a stroll Sid was wearing a Union Jack vest And said how he was always impressed By Nigel and Boris As well as Aunt Doris When they told him he’d been dispossessed He smiled at his pint of Rosé And said “This really has made my day” He’d swallowed the lies And saw this as his prize Then he spotted his best friend José “José’s Spanish ….. but he’s a good mate Came over out of sight in a crate He works cash in hand [Although technically banned] He’s my bestie! I think he’s great!” January 2024 Luke Littler did amazingly well All expectations he rose to excel “One hundred and eighty” Is a cry that he’s lately Heard when the crowd started to yell I just wonder why the lad’s not at school Surely Luke wouldn’t break any rule! When he won loads of dosh He cried “Oh golly gosh” In darts, young Luke’s a star and a jewel Paula said that she’ll send her gong back What a shame we can’t give her the sack Hip hip hooray!!! Mr Bates won the day Standing up to their heartless attack Next ….. she needs to hand back the dosh Bonuses? What a load of old tosh “It was them …… wasn’t me I’m sure you’ll agree” Sorry Paula ……. that simply won’t wash The Reverend Vennells? Not right I wonder …… when she prays every night Is it “Lord please ignore My oversight or I might end up by losing the fight”? Where’s the sorrow, contrition …… remorse? Seems it’s gone missing of course Mr Bates and his mates They just waits and they waits And their voices get increasingly hoarse Congrats ITV and well done!! Best programme ever bar none Alan Bates CBE? Sounds quite good to me So keep lobbying please everyone The Post Office and Vennells all lied The truth they both hid and denied The P.O. and Fujitsu Have shown they are shits who Are without any honour or pride Had an idea re Rwanda!!!!! Came from Sue and as I understand her Send Lee Anderson there In exchange for a bear Or maybe a cuddly young panda King Charles is taking sick leave next week Perhaps problems when he’s having a leak? His eyes tend to bulge And he was forced to divulge That he’s not sure of his toilet technique At the time when he rang his GP He found [quite unlike you and me That it was all very quick And his doctor [called Mick] Said “I’ll see you immediately” Charlie froze when Mick said “Trousers off” Then started to nervously cough “You won’t feel a thing You’re my monarch ….. my king And I’m Dr Mick Stroganov” Trump challenged Haley to a test of cognition But he said there was one strict condition With a wink and a grin He told her “I’ve got to win Or there’s gonna be war and sedition The winner of the tennis in Oz Was Sinner and that was because He hit the ball back With a blistering whack Now Novak’s the champion that was February 2024 Elon Musk put a chip in a brain But then stopped when it started to rain “Won’t work if it’s wet The glue …… just won’t set” And gee that’ll drive me insane” So he tried once again the next day Whilst wearing a rather dapper beret It was all very quick He said “That’s done the trick Green light ….. off we go ……. chocks away” His computer was superfast and It worked fine just as he’d planned He sent a thought to the brain “Please help me explain Why Joe Biden should now make a stand” The answer came back in a jot “No can do. Cos it’s all gone to pot Right now [no delay] Resign. Go away That Trump bloke ….. put him on the spot” That all came as a bit of a shock The computer then started to knock Then a fizz and a bang And a really big clang And Elon knew that he’d gone off half-cock So now we have lost Private Pike I wonder …… what did he feel like? When he heard “Stupid boy” Did he want to shout “Oi You can shove it cos I’m going on strike”? No of course not …… he couldn’t tell Mum [Or Uncle Arthur who was Mum’s best-est chum] He just mumbled a bit An innocent Brit And gazed down at his feet and looked glum “Wear your scarf” his Mum used to say And he did, never missing a day “He gets ever so chesty And Arthur [my bestie] Agrees with all that by the way” It was there ……. round his neck …… on that day With the U-boat commander named Schpray He started to chirp That “Hitler’s a twerp” And Mainwaring? He just went very gray “Don’t tell him Pike ” ….. a classic few words And Mainwaring? He just said it’s absurds He felt quite defiled But the German just smiled “Du Englisch …… du bist alles nerds” Oh dear my mind’s suddenly gone blank! Pike’s christian name ……. I know it’s Hank! Hang on a mo I now have to say no I’ve remembered ……. his first name was Frank! Dad’s Army is fifty years in the past And in it, a near perfect cast Although Jones I’ll admit Annoyed me a bit The rest could not be surpassed Fingers crossed we don’t run out of tea! The very thought I think you’ll agree In our minds is most upper To start the day with no cuppa Will just make us go weak at the knee The thought’s dire. Tis bleak and quite dark And I hope I don’t start to bark Out my despair When the teabags ain’t there I know!! I’ll just move to Den-mark Coffee’s the norm over there And the Danish? I think you’ll find they’re All caffeine lovers The mothers and brothers And teabags? They’re really quite rare And of course I’ll then call myself Bjorn When daylight breaks at the first crack of dawn I’ll do something Danish Perhaps like an Amish? Trot out and then harvest the corn I’ll ride round in my horse and my buggy Feeling snug in a thick snuggy-huggy I’ll be as warm as can be And won’t care there’s no tea [Cos I’ll be drinking lots and lots of coff-ee] Long ago the wise prophet called Zain Said “The Red Sea is a safe shipping lane” Please no more hijacks No violent acts It’s all becoming completely insane Will Sainsbury’s shelves be bare of Red Label? No Tetley’s or Typhoo on our table They’re diverting the ships So there’s no PG Tips It’s a situation that’s unconscion-able The Speaker broke the rules parliamentary Reaction? Most uncomplimentary “Be gone …… sling your hook Erskine May is the book It’s clear and in fact rudimentary” Looking stern, Stephen Flynn said that “We Scots Just don’t trust you. You’re tied up in knots You broke with convention And I don’t want to mention That you’ve offended us Scots lots and lots” “Tis all your own fault Speaker Hoyle Methinks you’ve had too much snake oil Your reputation’s been knocked And you should now be defrocked Let’s ask Arthur …… I mean Conan Doyle” Arthur snorted and turned round to look At Sherlock Holmes as he glanced up from a book “Elementary I’d say Poor man’s lost his way And the entire mood of the House he mistook” Poor Lindsay was in tears after that “Can’t help feeling this is all tit for tat” The last thing that we saw Was of him on the floor Resembling a sort of Speaker doormat A wise old professor at Yale Wrote “Hoyle’s tactics would inevitably fail You just can’t please ‘em all And they’ll scream and they’ll bawl Cos the devil’s always in the detail” March 2024 Lee Anderson ……. villain or saint? I can tell you right now what he ain’t An agreeable man Cos he’s more loathsome than A reptile with a stomach complaint He joined the Tories in twenty eighteen And before that ….. guess where he had been? Down the mines like his dad But he did something bad So bad it was virtually obscene So his colour switched over to blue A Conservative lout through and through He and Jacob are mates And he now advocates Talking posh in each TV interview “That Sadiq has sold out to his mates Want to know what the London mayor hates? Cuddly people like me Cos I won’t take the knee And don’t mention that bloke Alan Bates” “So Reform now for Anderson [Lee]?” Asked a smiling Sir Keir with much glee “His disciples will follow Cos their brains are all hollow Such adulation’s a complete mystery” The trouble with limericks like this And I admit to feeling slightly remiss There’s no ending in sight And I drone on despite Each line is very much hit and miss Lee Anderson….. villain or saint? A Conservative….not now he ain't Because he lost the whip He wouldn’t button his lip Even the Tories he's managed to taint I wish I’d looked after me teeth What I need is a dentist called Keith He’d look into my gob And say “Ken …… you’re a slob So much plaque lying there underneath” “They’ve got to come out straightaway Just look at the rot and decay Not a problem for me I’ll clear your dental debris And my large invoice you’ll then have to pay” At last I’ve found that dentist called Keith But wait! He lives in Scotland …. in Leith I’ll phone B&Q To buy extra strong glue And stick some filling in each of my teeth Awful tales of folk struggling by I find myself wondering why Some use big pliers Others teeth rectifiers And then I sob quite a bit till I cry The NHS was once the sure place For dentistry …… wonderful ….. ace Those days they have passed And now it’s a farce What a shambles and utter disgrace Twas Thatcher and Jeremy Hunt Who pulled off this political stunt Gave the dosh to their mates Ignored our desperate straits As for Sunak? Well he’s just a ………. super rich Tory toff who’s completely lacking in empathy and who hasn’t got a scoobie what it’s like to live in our world “Extremist? That’s me” chortled Gove He worked hard, he showed passion, he strove To sow seeds of hate With Priti …… his mate Frank’s dosh was a big treasure trove “I was just being rude” shouted Frank As the Tories put more dosh in the bank Sir Keir shouted “No You’ve just hit a new low” Slight aroma? No ….. phew it stank Offensive, repulsive and vile 100% on the dial Inexcusably bad In fact really sad Frank should slink away now to exile Diane Abbott stood up time and again She actually did it in time with Big Ben “Yoo Hoo Lindsay ….. call me All the House will agree You’re afraid! So goodbye and amen” Lee Anderson was back in the news He so wanted to give us his views “I speak for millions Of Brits, not Brazilians” His charisma then started to ooze “Reform love me so it’s over I go” And he ambled along to their show Rishi said with a cough “Traitor Lee can go away If he wants to come back, tell him NO” Kate’s photo went horribly wrong Hope she was OK all along The photo she edited So now it’s discredited It’s the cause of a right royal ding-dong Trump said “I’ve got oodles of dosh Billions ….. snowed under ….. awash It’s all a witch-hunt And that judge? He’s a …….. politically motivated biased man who’s got it in for me To say I can’t pay is just tosh” Trump Tower, Mar-A-Lago and yes …. Many others. Go on have a guess! 102? Not a scooby-doo Excuse me while I start to undress [That’s Trump speaking ….. not me by the way] He does it at 3 every day Next riding and shooting Like Vladimir Putin Followed by a bright orange spray Some adore him and think he’s the best But us? We think him best dispossessed Of all his estate And we simply can’t wait Till he’s stopped from creating unrest He and Johnson are two of a pair Both narcissist liars who dare To treat us like mugs And sweep under their rugs Every lie and each dodgy affair The best placards we’ve seen people show Say “Come on and good luck Sleepy Joe” All he needs is a nap And sometimes a slap Then he’ll move up through the gears to turbo Kim Jong Un noticed Titchmarsh’s jeans And said “Whoa there ….. you know what this means Imperialist twaddle” He started to waddle And said “Not on our TV screens” His eyes flashed quite red as he spoke “Those bourgeoisie BBC folk Won’t give denim to us We’ll ask for Liz Truss What a fiendishly smart master-stroke” There was only one bloke at the back Yelled out “No” and gave the table a whack “Liz Truss and her mate Are part of the Deep State Ask the British ……. they gave her the sack” KJ’s eyes bulged at such a retort He made a noise like a gigantic snort “Insubordination! Means a quick liquidation” So let’s go to my kangaroo court” Then he laughed and said “Only joshing” Twas classic Korean brain-washing Kim soaked up the cheers Whilst sinking nine beers Then he went off to do serious noshing The Titchmarsh dilemma still lingers [In Korean it’s “Titch-Gahmar-Yinders”] “Easy-Peasy” said Kim Toddling off to the gym “Just give Alan Titchmarsh green fingers” April 2024 There’s an MP called William Wragg Who said “Whoopsy …….oh dear …… that’s a snag” When he went onto Grinder Thinking “I’m gonna find a Consenting big man for a ……… touching sensitive relationship that will hopefully lead to intimacy and sexual intercourse” But then Charlie ….. he got in touch That made Willie reach down to his crutch “It’s mean and it’s heinous! That my poor little penis Has been seen over Grinder so much” Willie fiddled with two big cucumbers Nodded off and was deep in his slumbers Then he woke with a start And let out a big fart And said “I know …… I’ll give Charlie some numbers” But disaster …… it went out of control Willie said “I’ve been such an ……...awfully silly man Perhaps in November Me and my small member Will find a way out of this hole” The answer to this sorry tale And for Willie to stop feeling frail Is to take in a lodger Called Roger the Todger And say “My member is not up for sale” Russ Cook ……. “Hardest geezer? That’s me I’m sure all my mates will agree Run 10,000 miles But I’ve now got some piles As well as a dickey right knee” From Cape Agulhas way down in the south To up north [got a dose of trench mouth] Few sores and some blisters They sparkle and glisters On the way, a week of hard “drouth” Hang on! What’s that I hear you say? Lack of rain day after day after day So Russ drank lots of beer But his mates cried out “We’re Gonna miss Christmas and hogmanay” That thought, boy it spurred them on His best mates [called Donald and John] Broke into a trot And took a potshot At a detour via Perth and Saigon Worked wonders. Back to Scotland in days [The trip? All a bit of a haze] Trotted up to Dundee Then they jumped in the sea And that was their winding-down phase Shouts of “Russ, he’s the hardest geezer” He blushed when they danced and sang “He’s a Champ. He’s the tops The guy never stops He’s our modern day Julius Caesar” “Hang on! We come from Worthing, not here We shouldn’t have drunk all that beer” Once more off they trotted And were eventually spotted Back at home ….. but it took them a year The headlines are full of Rwanda Will the pilot be called Alexander? But the ECHR Says “No ….. use a car And no moaning or that will be slander” A noise very near to the Palace Spooked horses [but no sign of malice] That marked the start When plans fell apart The first horse to kick off was called Alice She reared up and threw off her rider Looked down and then spotted a spider That scared her a lot But Ascot it was not And from then she was called The Collider She galloped away down The Mall Thinking “This is just like The High Chaparrel” Crashed into a car [A rather posh Jaguar] And spotted Trixie …. her bestie, her pal They galloped on and went down The Strand [Where galloping horses are banned] “Blow this for a lark Let’s head up to Hyde Park And see our mates in the military band” At Hyde Park, they both stopped and calmed down This was a first for old London town Much snorting and panting [Disturbed the decanting] Perhaps it should be shown in The Crown? We’re not old until 75! Golly gosh!! Oh gee whizz!! Man alive!! Still time for some jiving Mountaineering or diving Or to go on a round-the-world drive Middle-age? Why that’s 73 Until then we’re as fit as a flea Maybe bald as a coot But who gives a hoot And forget the slightly wonky knock-knee These youngsters who are just 62 Don’t know they’re born!! They ain’t got a clue Carry on working!! No slacking …… no shirking We need you so that we can pursue Our hobbies and live life to the full Take up knitting with Angora wool Please do not mention Our inflation-proof pension Got it easy? What a load of old bull May 2024 He had no ID so they sent him away Then to everyone’s utter dismay He came back again With an ancient quill pen Around 11. Or was it mid-day? At first Johnson said “Here’s a mag” Deary me …… that presented a snag The official said “No So back home you must go” Schmuckhead Boris said “Oh what a drag” Believe it? Not me …… not a chance My theory? Well the one I’ll advance A publicity stunt - The Etonian “pupil” Talked to Carrie when he was in France So on Saturday in his piece in The Mail His moans and his groans? Off the scale! But he passed the law!! The bozo …… the bore The legislation? It must always prevail Natalie Elphick’s the name of the week She said “Rishi …… the future looks bleak So she sat behind Keir And said “All I hear …... Is you sinking …... your ship’s sprung a leak” Yes, the MP for Dover sat down Behind Keir – it was his side of town “They’ve all done their best But I’m sad and depressed Or is tragic a more apposite noun?” But some Labour MPs they were shocked “Keir should go to be flogged and defrocked Just you listen Sir Keir We don’t want her here And make sure that her future is blocked” Then the MP for Dover stood up Like a dewy-eyed boisterous pup She said “Rishi ….. you’re toast You’re a shadow, a ghost And the Tories? They’ve gone belly-up” “Just forget what I said in the past Looking back I’m both shocked and aghast I just hope that you might Want to tune in tonight For the first Nutty Natty podcast” But then Charlie …….. he got on the phone Nutty Natty let out a big groan “I’ve got out of nick If I move double-quick For my sins I really hope to atone” June 2024 Rishi looked at the camera and smiled Like a loveable innocent child Then the rain – down it came He thought “Whoops, that’s a shame” And he felt rather damp and defiled Yeah, Rishi’s the kind of a fella Who thinks to be near an umbrella Makes him look kinda weak And a bit of a geek Who’d much rather be down a dark cellar He just stood there outside in the rain Saying “Golly, it’s that time again On July the 4th All you people up north Vote Labour!!!! Put me out of my pain” “Truth is I’m not up to the job I’m more of a technocrat blob The Tories are toast And what I really want most Is a day when I don’t howl and sob” He looked soaked when he went back inside And he thought “All those times that I’ve cried I’ve had it …… no more I’m knackered and sore Nothing worked but let me tell you ……… I tried” “Gen Z ……. national service for you Lazy scroungers ……. you just ain’t got a clue Get off your backside Smarten up ….. get some pride And take part in an army tattoo” OAPs you know I love you all The election …… might be a close call Disregard all the sleaze And please vote for me …… PLEASE!!! If you don’t it’ll be my downfall And then I’ll have to sit at the back And my future will start to look black I’ll turn into a monk Or maybe a punk Or a Tottenham Hotspur full back Diane Abbott then got on the phone With a relaxed and a welcoming tone “Elope with me hun We’ll have loadsa fun Then dear Rishi won’t be all alone” Rish and Di walked away holding hands First stop is to visit Japan’s Religious retreat And then try to delete Their Labour and Conservative brands Tory voters in Clacton can say “You’ve just lost it – you’ve all had your day Now Nigel’s our man Cos he’s gonna ban Illegal migrants ….they’re not coming ……. NO WAY!!!” Meanwhile back in old London town Richard Tice – boy did he have a frown Nige said “I’m now boss RT? Not a loss Truth is, I just think he’s a clown” “Can’t stop …… got to nip over to France Gonna teach Rishi S how to dance” But Rishi had gone What a trick! What a con! So Nige thought that he’d take a big chance “D-Day veterans ……. that’s what he thinks of you Make me leader and I’ll teach you kung-fu Then we’ll march down Whitehall And we’ll all have a ball And I swear that’ll be our breakthrough” Then I’ll just glide into No 10 No women …… just beer-swilling men GB News …… take some notes We’re gonna stop all the boats Then look solemnly up to Big Ben Rishi said that “We didn’t have Sky Unlike all of the houses nearby My really big wish Was a Sky TV dish I kept asking my parents “Oh why?” They said ”Shut up young Rishi …… be quiet Don’t dare think of a Sky TV riot We’re careful with money Don’t act strange and funny The BBC is your media diet” Every night as he lay in his bed He remembered what Daddy had said Rishi hugged his big pillow And his pet armadillo A rather curious creature called Fred Fred felt Rishi’s anguish and pain He thought it was just inhumane He shared Rishi’s tears So he fondled his ears They both cried till the dawn broke again Years later, Rishi had the last laugh By then he had his own Chief-of-Staff ”All of my wishes Involve Sky TV dishes And we’re NOT gonna do it by half!!” So now there’s even one in the loo ”I can watch when I’m having a poo So suck on that pater And you see Mummy mater Young Rishi doesn’t now just make do” “Disadvantaged? I know what that means It’s having just twelve limousines Only five swimming pools Lots of gold and some jewels And an island in The Philippines” Just Stop Oil went to visit Stonehenge Two protesters called Denzil and Denj They chucked orange powder Shouting louder and louder “Don’t you dare think of taking revenge” But nobody listened to that And they weren’t in the mood for a chat Denj said “Listen up chaps I just wonder …… perhaps You should hear out this Siamese cat” The cat told a real sorry tale It made everyone turn rather pale Their climate change fears Made them burst in to tears Really scared about extracting shale Someone then quickly piped up and said “I get it …… if it all goes ahead The planet is doomed We’ve been brainwashed and groomed Forget orange …… we’re gonna paint Stonehenge red” Then off east on the M25 And Denj said “Denzil-mate I’ve Just had a thought As we haven’t been caught Go to Stansted to meet up with Clive”“ “We’ve got all this painty-stuff here And Stansted is ever so near I know it’s insane But let’s find a plane And we’ll give it an orange veneer“ The police? Well they had the last laugh They’d plotted each move on a graph Protesters arrested And it was suggested That jailtime should be raised by a half What a choice between Biden and Trump Said pollster Mr Theodore Gump “One’s deep in the mire He’s a cheat and a liar And the other’s a doddery chump” But honestly how can it be I’ve wondered but I still cannot see Are they really the best? Come on, surely you jest Is it time to dust off Plan B? Put them both in an old people’s home With two butlers called Mike and Jerome Then they’d spend out their days With a nostalgic gaze And ex-Presidential Syndrome And would MAGA just then fade away? Those nutters who went so astray Could they live without Trump-y? Would it make them more grumpy? Or emigrate ……. perhaps to Calais? Rishi said that “The answer is clear! I’m out of a job over here I’ll be your Prez Wear my MAGA-style fez And I’ll even bring over Sir Keir July 2024 Golly gosh …….goodness me ……. OMG I’m sure that most folk will agree Sir Keir and his team All share the same dream That he summed up on the BBC Country first party second is tops Labour’s gonna pull out all the stops They won’t fail to impress As they clear up the mess That’s been left by Conservative flops To treat everyone here with respect [A concept the Tories have wrecked] You don’t have to be Labour To look out for your neighbour [Tory mantra “despise and neglect”] I’m SO optimtistic today If I had a faith then I would pray “Help Starmer each night To fight the good fight Then send a rocket down Farage’s way” Anderson and R Tice might be there Poor Lee ….. such a snarl …… such a glare You’d have to inject Them both with respect Or are they way beyond hope of repair? I wonder how Rish feels tonight? No more headlines, no photos. He might Say “Keir I was wrong You were right all along I’m Rishi and I’ve seen the light” “I’m glad that the rocket hit Lee And the Tories are now all at sea Metaphorically speaking In a boat that is leaking From now on, it’s just you and me” Sir Keir couldn’t hold back the tears He spluttered “Thanks Rishi mate …… cheers” He held him quite tight They went off in the night And they stayed close together for years My goodness ……. this drifts on and on!!! But the rhymes? They’ve vanished. They’ve gone So I’ll say “Ta-Ra” And ask Starmer ….. the Tsar Et Monsieur Emmanuel Macron Ollie Watkins looked up and let fly But a gigantic pigeon flew by It swallowed the ball Gareth said “Overall Good result ….but it did make me cry” Ollie shouted “Get out of the way Look!!! They taught me this trick in ballet A quick pirouette Then the top of the net “I can do it non-stop night and day” ‘arry was not ‘appy with that So he got out his old cricket bat “I’m now going to Lords To win some awards I’ll be wearing my posh cricket ‘at” Meanwhile Wimbledon finals were played Where Carlos A quietly chucked a grenade He was dressed all in pink What did everyone think? Their anger was quickly displayed Go away!! Disappear!! And get lost!! Tradition …… over it you have glossed We want Watkins [Ollie] He’s smiley and jolly We’re all feeling a bit double-crossed We'll soon all be able to see Mr Jacob Rees-Mogg on TV An MP no longer He’ll rake in the wonga Please watch it on Discovery I think that it’s called “Meet the Moggs” An upper class Reservoir Dogs? Or perhaps Fawlty Towers That’ll drone on for hours With endless Rees-Mogg monologues With his kids!!! Isn’t that child abuse? Is he cruel or maybe he’s obtuse? His wife’s started drinking And maybe she’s thinking This’ll give her the perfect excuse To trigger the plan she’s prepared And say “Jacob, if we thought that you cared We’d stay with you hon But you don’t …… so we’re done In fact we’re a little bit scared” “It’s been like Fawlty Towers with you And I don’t think you’ll ever come through Cos Jacob you’re nasty Unpleasant and ghastly So cheerio Basil ….. we’re through” And with that the whole family went For Rees-Mogg twas a seismic event He said “I’m dreaming now Of a move up to Slough To become the new posh David Brent” King Charles took a trip down The Mall With Camilla ……. his heartthrob, his pal With their heads in the clouds They waved at the crowds Great British tradition royale “Bores me witless” he shouted out loud “But Mummy would be very proud” Then a knock on the door And King Charles? Whoops ….. he swore Twas his butler Sebastian O’Dowd “I’m sorry your Highness” Seb said Starmer’s said this can’t go ahead” At the top of his voice “Not much of a choice Keir suggested you go back to bed” “He said that he’s just passed a law Means that you’re not the king any more So remove yourself please Then get down on your knees If it’s easier, go through the trapdoor” King Charles and Camilla got out Realising what this was about They merged into the crowd [By now very loud] And they knew, beans for dinner …. not trout JD Vance’s phone started to ring [A Republican ding-a-ling-ling] Was The Donald no less Said “My ear’s still a mess Listen up ….. want to be my plaything?” “Hey ….. how does Vice President sound? JD ….. you are widely renowned You said I’m like Hitler At first I felt littler Not now …… I think it’s kinda profound” “I know that you’re my kind of guy Take a bullet for me. Maybe die Not a problem for me Cos JD you see It’s motherhood and apple pie” Black Rod wandered up from the Lords Emblazoned with ribbons and cords Three times she knocked Commons door remained locked Well against Parliamentary Accords She broke down that door pretty quick “The Lord Chancellor’s being a dick” MPs were aghast And by way of contrast Voted to lock him up in the nick By the time that was done about six A big constitutional fix All the Lords had resigned And they’d left behind A note “We’ll have no more of your tricks” “Next time that you pay us a visit You’ll have to be way more explicit Don’t take a chance Send a note in advance And goodwill you’re gonna find you elicit” August 2024 Can Kamala Harris beat Trump? You mean Donald? The groucho? The grump? The orange-faced liar Whose only desire Is to jab both his fists with a pump? Have you seen MAGA people? They’re mad Besotted with Donald ….. and bad Hooks, lines and sinkers They’ve swallowed The Stinker’s Lies and deceits ….. they’ve been had Kamala is better than that Trump’s a conman, a grifter, a rat Always aim higher Leave Trump in the mire And his lies then fall down very flat Can Kamala beat orange-man Trump? According to Vance she’s a frump A childless cat lady [Might love Paul O’Grady] JD …… you’re coming down with a bump And not of the pregnancy kind How can he be so thick and so blind? The film Hillbilly E I thought showed that JD Was actually far more inclined To show tolerance, care and respect Got it wrong! Now all I detect Is a bigoted man Whose number one plan Is the MAGA boneheaded project Fingers crossed that Kamala will win And Trump? Might become a bedouin Wander off on his own With a moan and a groan Just him …… and the devil within Oh dear I’ve gone and done it again Writing gibberish. How very mundane That’s it …… I’ve done So goodbye everyone I’m gonna start a Kamala campaign Our winter fuel payments have gone!!!! Just like that …… at a stroke ……. what a con Rachel Reeves said “It’s not on my head It’s the Tories wot brought this lot on” She continued “Keep watching …... there’s more The economy’s gone through the floor Ex Chancellor Hunt Was a bit of a disaster So I’m talking to Keir [lives next door]” “I wonder …… what’s gonna come next? I don’t care if that Hunt bloke objects It’ll be rather funny If I raise lots of money By cancelling their gimmick pro-jects” My key plan to rake in the dosh Is to tax people who talk fairly posh I’ll make oodles of cash And then make a big splash Investing in James McIntosh His shop’s round the corner from me And members of the red bourgeoisie Are all welcome there To sit in a chair And help us in our big spending spree James will explain his solution And his plans for a revolution With him as dictator He’ll quickly create a Entirely new constitution Key to our mission is this Get rid of the Tories ….. dismiss Each one of the rotters Those “can’t trust me” plotters A world without Tories …...what bliss! Communities trashed, police attacked Those protests, they seemed to attract The lunatic mobs With very big gobs Speciality? A moronic act Here’s a question to muse on tonight Those numbskulls who just want to fight They’ve got ignorant yells But how many brain cells? Hatred is what they want to incite But ask them …… do you understand What you’re doing and what you’ve got planned? They’ve just swallowed the lies May I humbly advise That the fires of hate you’ve just fanned? Others said “No, that’s not for me What is it that they cannot see? My sister …… my brother We join hands with each other To co-exist in complete harmony Let’s live in peace and in love side by side Such hatred I just cannot abide Let’s all show respect Perhaps pause and reflect Then racism ….. it’ll be cast aside Kamala said “Donald, you’re weird” It was just what Republicans feared His orange is brighter A real crowd exciter But very unhinged and ungeared He comes over as policy-light Full of hatred, resentment and spite MAGA folk won’t agree He’s a one-trick pon-ee Who endlessly talks loads of shite The only thing that Trump tries to do Is be personal but it’s not cutting through Trump’s lost without Biden Who’s gone into hiding JD Vance sighed out loud saying “Phew!” For example take the size of her crowd “Bigger than mine? [Oh so proud!!!] Is she Indian? Or black?” And more yackety-yack A red card? This should not be allowed Will decency win in the end? Once Donald’s gone way round the bend They’ll just flush him away Saying “Bye Trumpy …… YAY!!!!” And to the Presidency Kam will ascend Johnson’s “Unleashed”; is it the truth? “Not a chance …… no way” said Ken. “Strewth, You just cannot believe All he does is deceive He’s just a pain like an impacted tooth” His legacy lives on to this day All the talent …..he dismissed straightaway “Say Brexit ….. whoopee!! Everyone will agree We got Brexit done …… Hip Hooray” And reading his book every night With “I got all the big calls so right”? No you didn’t you liar As PM you were dire The truth’s now out there in the light Covid …… you’re weren’t up to the job Every time that you opened your gob Made it up on the spot You pompous posh clot [Not to Nads though …… you’re still her heartthrob] The Tories are divided and broke Cos of you and your masterstroke “I’ll lie through my teeth From Lands End to Leith My own Old Etonian joke” So “Unleashed” …… is it worth it? No way Guaranteed he’s gonna have a field day Saying “I was so right Every day, every night Excuse me, need to fix my toupee” September 2024 Olaf Scholz had a meeting with Keir When questioned, they both said that “We’re Wanting to get close [Hope that doesn’t sound gross] What a time that we’ve had over here” A reporter asked “Brexit undone?” They looked shocked and Starmer said “Son 52/48 I won’t rise to your bait” Scholz snorted so he wasn’t outdone Liam said “Brother Noel …….an idea We’re skint mate. And I’ve run out of gear Let’s shake hands and kiss And then reminisce Just hoping I don’t sound insincere”? “Not at all bro …… I love you to bits We’ll play the Oasis old hits Make fans pay through the nose For each one of our shows Avoid Eastbourne cos that’s just the pits” The cost of an Oasis ticket? A LOT!!!! Just not British …… not cricket Fans all took out big loans To hear the Gallagher tones Not my cup of tea, you can stick it A big Gallagher fan called Chantelle Spoke up for the fans rather well “You see, it’s like this It’s Nirvana. It’s bliss We love Liam and brother No-el” “Our dreams have been answered at last After all those long years slowly passed Together again Just like Bill and Ben By the way, will they do a podcast?” Who knows? And do most of us care? You need to be younger and there Give me Lenny the Lion And then James O’Brien To finish, perhaps Sonny and Cher “Two drinks and that’s it” said O’Leary He went on and he outlined his theory “Restrict alcohol Don’t get out of control And then we’ll be cheery not teary” Some people don’t know when to stop Quite happy to drink till they drop Jack Daniels and gin With some shamrock chucked in It’s disruptive and over-the-top Yes, Trump is now doing “The Weave” And something I just can’t believe He danced with Joe Biden Who went into hiding Then Donald stood up and said “We’ve All got to wear silly hats With “MAGA” and be complete prats Furthermore I advise That we tell outright lies To undermine the Democrats” “Everything will be far worse with them And tomorrow at 7pm I’ll try to embarrass Kamala Harris With a brilliant line ….. it’s a gem” “I’ll prove that Kamala tells lies Unlike me …… you can see in my eyes That I speak the truth [I have since my youth] She’s just useless. Do you realise?” “Without DonDon right there on your side You’ll be scared ….. maybe terrified You know that you must Say “Donald we trust YOU!!!” [don’t care if you lied] “On November the 5th vote for me Then I promise and I guarantee I’ll say Hi to Vlad Putin And maybe Rasputin Who’s listening? Oh it’s the KGB” No more junk food ads soon before 9 Starmer said that he must draw a line To help kids stay fit They’ll have to omit Fatty foods in their diets [and wine] From now on it’s just salad and gruel Kids shouted “It’s tasteless. It’s cruel” Keir yelled “Oliver Twist! Just stick with it …… persist Very soon you’ll be thinking it’s cool” The kid’s leader, a lad called Bill Law Kicked off and he spat and he swore “You’re snobbish and posh And you’ve got loads of dosh Let’s decide it by a tug-of-war” Sir Keir looked at big muscular Bill And said “Right. Let’s postpone it until I’ve thought a bit harder And looked in the larder” Bill shook Sir Keir’s hand and said “Brill” Bill just didn’t believe all the stats He wanted those foods high in fats A small dose of malt Then some sugar and salt But his favourite? American cats Donald said that “They’re eating your pet! Have a look in the Springfield Gazette Tales week after week Of a Haitian clique Hands up if you think that’s a threat” The moderator said “Hang on a mo No proof so I can’t let that go” Boy what a dismissal It made Trumpy bristle So he said “I’m off to Mexico bro” Donald told us “They’re eating our pets! And they’re making big hamster croquettes! Our dogs and our cats Pet rabbits and rats They’re eating them sliced in baguettes!” “Who’s eaten our cats and our dogs?” Trumpy asked in his long monologues It’s those Haitians who Put your pet in a stew! Yep, Trump’s one of their demagogues Taylor Swift told her Swifties to vote For her, Kamala hits the right note Since that message she sent Up 400%!!! Oh boy that must stick in Trump's throat Mel and Priti were both shown the door The contestants are now down to four Call this lot the best? Oh surely you jest Vote for the Tory that you least abhor I’m wondering about Rachel Reeves And just what she truly believes Tax the rich? Help the poor? Then say “I deplore Those posh rich Conservative thieves” Once when she was in Nova Scotia Rachel felt down the back of a sofa It was simply awash With oodles of dosh So she screamed out “Oh Fabby-Dosa!!” “What a difference that’ll make to my sums Perhaps we should roll out the drums? When it comes to my budget I now won’t have to fudge it I’ll delight all my Socialist chums” “Double pensions? The least I can do It’s the fat cats that I want to screw They’re gonna start freaking Cos their pips will be squeaking It’ll be my amazing breakthrough” No stopping Ms Reeves after that She called it “The Rachel Diktat” From then on, no restraint The Pope made her a Saint And Sir Keir chanted “Magnificat” If I had a rich friend like Lord Alli No delay and without dilly-dally I’d buy loadsa suits And specs and some boots And take him to meet Mick McCally Mr Mick [as he’s known to his mates] Is brill when it comes to debates I think he’d select His hypnotic effect Cos his voice sort of throbs and pulsates That’s a trick that Lord Alli could use He could offer to give interviews Explaining why he loves Keir And why he paid for the gear Just one thing ….. must avoid GB News The others? They’d say “Alli? He’s ace Such an honest and innocent face We’re united, we’re sure You should give Sir Keir more Anything ……. any time ……. any place” October 2024 “Sausages”. Was it Keir’s wurst mistake? Is it likely to keep him awake? Shouldn’t think so at all But it was a close call At least it wasn’t chips and rump steak I’ve started to build a big Ark Using floodlights when it gets a bit dark The rain never stops It’s destroying the crops Climate change ……. boy the message is stark Rachel Reeves said that she was quite happy “The Conservatives? Boy they were crappy They let everything slide They misled and they lied And their book-keeping? Totally scrappy” “It’s gonna be different with me Cos I’m Labour and I’ll oversee Our growth all the way Every hour, each day You can trust me …… that’s my guarantee” “Just think when everything’s bigger Please don’t giggle or chuckle or snigger It’s all up for grabs Oh boy, it’s so fabs Economics with oodles of rigour” Starmer said “Let’s all smile – no more gloom We’re Labour and we’re the new broom We’re red, we’re not blue We’ve come to your rescue So I want everyone here in this room …… …….. to clap if you like my new suit Then together we’ll give a salute To its sponsor Lord Alli My bestie, my pally Where’s my specs? Oh …... I think they’re en route Boris and young Baroness Owen His action was simply mind-blowing She was just 29 When he uttered the line “You’re great! To the Lords you’re now going” Young Charlotte …… what a big stroke of luck Was speechless…… absolutely dumbstruck Then she realised why And started to cry “Oh Boris, you’re a jerk and a schmuck” But crikey …… she’s done it again Thanks to Boris. And it was when She got a new job As a thingy-me-bob His new company? You-Ray-Ne-Em Rosie Duffield waved goodbye and resigned She said “Labour! I just want to remind All you other MPs To get down on your knees And say sorry for being unkind” She thinks that her party’s too greedy By robbing and nobbling the needy She said “You’ve lost the plot And the likely upshot Is that we’re all gonna look rather seedy” An admission of guilt from Sir Keir? After seeing the headlines “Oh dear” He then paid back 6K Saying “OK, I may Have screwed up. Do I now get a cheer?” Not from Rosie. The damage was done For her, all Labour’s spin was unspun Are we gonna get more Of Keir robbing the poor? And Rosie? She should train as a nun So …….. KemiKaze? Or Honest Bob? Which one for the top Tory job? A nightmare for moderates Cos both are top graduates Of a school for becoming a knob In mid-week Jimmy C was in front Some MPs thought that he’d take a punt Of changing the party By being a smarty Others said it was a Cleverly stunt But most didn’t want Jimmy Cleverly And they voted against him quite heavily So it’s Kemi or Bob Who’ll get the top job And Jimmy? He just said “What the devilly?” Electronic Line Calling will be The All England’s Club’s guarantee That the calls will be right Way into the night Surely the fans will agree? We’re thinking of South West 19 And that wonderful Wimbledon scene With strawberries and cream A tennis fan’s dream All the colours …… the white and the green “You cannot be serious man” Shouted John [part of his game plan] Umpire not amused In fact he accused Him of a short attention span Poor Hawk-Eye was shocked. Started crying “All the calls that I’ve been supplying For year after year I’ve been trusted. And here I’m been faithful and very complying” “Are you saying I’m out on my ear? Redundant? Not needed? Not here? You did the same to my Dad Papa Cyclops. So very sad Yes ….. 07 was not a good year” “The umpires. They’re gonna be next I’m angry. And very perplexed Just so full of woe With nowhere to go Don’t call, you can send me a text” We’ll have no more questions Trump said I’m knackered. I’m going to bed All the dancing I do Wears me out. I say “Phew ……. Perhaps I should start knitting instead?” But when they play YMCA My favourite [great tune by the way] My hands start to move As I get in the groove [Sudden twirls could dislodge my toupee] And my fists! When they start a-pumping Adrenalin flows and I’m jumping MAGA folk, they go wild They’re seduced and beguiled At The Donald. I call my dance “Trumping” The other night, down at the town hall I didn’t give any answers at all We danced and we swayed And some people wished they’d Stayed at home. But me? Off-the-wall And when Ave Maria came on I just swayed like an elegant swan I felt I’d been sainted When two men swooned and fainted Did you know that my middle name’s John? I get away with it! How? It’s dead easy I just bluster and look very breezy I lie all the time And say “America, I’m Corrupt. I’m immoral. I’m sleazy” My followers can’t get enough All the bluster, the lies and the bluff 46 was the year When God sent me here To cheat and to sound very tough An Oz Senator said “Not my king” All those robes and those crowns and that bling You stole our land and our homes Our temples and domes You took them. Now we don’t have a thing Say sorry for those sins of the past And maybe ….. just maybe at last The Aborigines will Feel at home …… what a thrill And not feel denied and downcast They didn’t come stronger than Capes! Geoff’s secret? Disposable vapes He wore many rings And pulled lots of things All sizes and lots of strange shapes The shot-put world record’s still his [A question quite soon at the quiz?] He pulled trucks and tyres And sang in some choirs Yes ….. Mr Capes did the biz with a fizz Overweight? Out of work? Our new jab Will help you to lose all that flab! It’ll go ……. disappear! By the end of the year! It’s dead easy, it’s worth it, it’s fab! Mounjaro and Ozempic are Injections that will help you go far Just some small side effects But Wes Streeting expects A bonus……. learn to play the guitar!! Wes went on about the NHS And how Tories left it in a mess He was very outspoken Saying “It’s nearly broken Listen up! I’m about to impress” “Big conversation …… that’s what we need And at the end, I hope we’ve agreed That I’m a go-getter Who’ll make it get better Don’t worry, I’m gonna go at top speed” OfWat’s just about to be hit Sir Keir told the boss “You must quit And yes a clear onus To hand back your bonus Cos our waters are crammed full of human excrement” “But I’ve done a cracking good job!” Said the boss as he started to sob “I’ve led Southern Water So I think I oughta Be allowed to continue to rob…….. …… all the people down here in the South [Is a “drought” up in Scotland a “drouth”?] If you don’t want to squint Try chewing some mint And remember …… don’t open your mouth!” Rachel Reeves said “I’m bending the rules This will add to my financial tools” The Tories cried “Foul” With a howl and a growl Does she think that we’ve financial fools? The answer for me is a “Yes” I’ll admit it, I have to confess That I ain’t got a clue Not a scooby-do But I’m sure that she’ll sort out the mess Disposable vapes ……. R.I.P Labour said that “We can’t let it be” They’re bad for the planet Hear a youngster called Janet “I dispose of them on the M3” After June 26 she won’t throw Them out of the car [a Peugeot] The Earth will get better Though maybe much wetter It’s the end …… it’s the vaping deathblow November 2024 So here’s to you Mr Robinson [Or Tommy ……. mind if I call you that?] Have a good time in jail Hope the bread’s not too stale Excuse me. There’s just one caveat You deserve it. You’re racist and vile I was at the Crown court for your trial Hope your cellmates are black And they give you a whack Thoughts of you in with them makes me smile Yaxley-Lennon’s been inside quite a bit For assault. And for being a shit The man’s got three kids He owes lots of quids Do you think he’s a gobby misfit? Someone's stolen 22 tons of cheese They think it’s been sent overseas The cheese is quite posh And worth loads of dosh If you find it, please bring it back. PLEASE!!! Supermarkets …… they don’t sell this stuff You won’t find it inside a cheese-puff No, a rich oligarch Was heard to remark “It’s for me!” [And then go off in a huff] A pint! It’s now one penny less] Rachel …… I’m gonna toast you ……. God Bless! I’m going to feel richer As I drink from my pitcher But many think that your budget’s a mess Jeremy Clarkson …… is someone who Said “I’ll be poorer!” ……. “Poor me” and “BooHoo” So that’s a good reason In this budget season To ignore all the hullabaloo Will farmers now stop passing on farms To their sons? And are many alarms Now starting to sound? Will accountants go round And say “Farming has lost all its charms”? The farmers – disheartened – all yell “Inheritance tax is pure hell!” So they all went away Leaving others to pay Saying “That’s it. So goodbye and farewell” The minute that I heard the news I got an attack of the blues About Donald Trump That orangey chump It didn’t enthuse or amuse He was shot. He was sued. He was tried. He was gone. Shown the door. On the slide But he told loads of lies Then cooked some French fries And he won. So we’re numb. Mortified Donald Trump …… is he sinner or saint? I tell you my friends what he ain’t An honourable man In fact he’s worse than A dictator who’s got no self-restraint “Are you better off now under Joe?” “No I’m not!!” answered Mr John Doe Trump slipped into a trance Then he started to dance And his orange …… well it started to glow JD Vance joined him up on the stage And whispered “For a man of your age You gyrate so well On that carousel Oh I love you! My Donny! My sage!” So will Trump make America great? Do you think that he’s gonna create A land of your dreams With his lies and his schemes? Or maybe he’ll start to mutate? And turn into old Uncle Don Who’ll ring up his French mate Macron “Bonjour. Je suis wishing That we can go fishing Let’s do it …… bring your own rod along” And Don disappeared after that Leaving Vance with his own coup d’etat “From now on it’s me You can call me JD And my word of the day is …….. diktat” Yes, Americans went out to vote Thinking “Who do I want to promote?” They chose not to leap For Kamala the Veep But went for the wobbly old goat At last the Archbishop’s resigned To be frank I think I’m inclined To say he had to go And belatedly show That he’s sorry for being so blind Maybe he had a quick word with God And a shadowy C of E squad? The consensus was clear We don’t want you here But Justin only went with a prod Did he hope it would all go away? He pondered “Perhaps a delay To the day of reckoning?” But God ……. he was beckoning “Hat off. On your knees. Start to pray” So he did. And decided to quit In the wake of a scandalous hit With a sneeze and a cough He said “That’s it I’m off” Hoping changes would come bit by bit Now defrocked. He’s hatless and humble His clobber’s for sale at the jumble There’s been three reports Of Welby in shorts Tucking into some raspberry crumble When Rachel increased the NI The business world let out a sigh “We were right all along This is stupid. It’s wrong See??? We’re going under …… goodbye” Farmers were as angry as hell At the inheritance taxing bombshell “Been in my family for years Thanks a lot Rachel ….. cheers It’s nuts. It’s just wrong. So farewell” Some farmers are also good actors They perform for their benefactors They’re kept in a cage Then let out on the stage Occasionally driving their tractors Trump’s team? Well it’s stuffed full of weirdos With their rants and their drivel and egos MAGA folk lap it up Chanting “Donald” and “Yup” Pretty soon, I guess they’ll start to impose Big changes ……. “Make America great” [= national chaos and hate] Vlad must be rubbing his hands At their dystopian plans And Trump? Gone way past his sell-by date Founding Fathers? They’re rolling their eyes Thinking “The Constitution implies That democracy rules Don’t treat us as fools Just stop it cos this ain’t so wise” George Washington turned in his grave Looked upwards and said “Who’s gonna save The land of my dreams Because now it seems Donald Trump’s nothing more than a knave” The barmy farmy army went down Every farmer was wearing a frown One, Mr Joe Bell Said “We’ll all have to sell You’ll understand that it’s getting us down” They ignored many calls to calm down “Stay peaceful and don’t run around! Keir ….. don’t be so lax With inheritance tax” Shouted Clarkson in his dressing gown He’d been up all night counting money With Thumper, his floppy-eared bunny “I’m going on strike But I must say I like Counting cash. Or does that sound funny?” Yes Jeremy, he had a knack Of keeping his books in the black “My taxes?” he stressed “Well I’ve dodged with the best My accountants? They pick up the slack” Then Jezza stood up and he spoke “They don’t understand that we’re broke Asset rich but cash poor Keir Starmer I think you’re Just plain wrong and you prod and provoke” “This fight with poor farmers like me It’s misguided and wrong. Can’t you see?” But Keir shook his head And emphatically said “The rest of us, we disagree” “That my friends, that is the quandary Quite frankly the answer’s beyond me I need inspiration To lead this great nation Let’s play some Debbie Harry and Blondie” Farmergeddon …… it ended right there [Blondie ….. the ultimate scare] So they all waved “Bye Bye” With a yawn and a sigh And went home via Trafalgar Square Captain Tom walked around with his frame And rose to international fame Cheered on by his daughter “Munchkin ……. here’s some water” Every hardship, he just overcame The nation cheered and donated dosh As Sir Tom swigged his lemonade squash A dark cloud appeared Whilst Tom was revered Daughter Hannah said “Oh golly gosh!” She and husband Col saw a chance At the time they were staying in France They exchanged several looks And said “We know! Write books! And we’ll ask for some cash in advance” Received cheques which they kept in the bank And said “Really, we have to be frank They said “The money is ours But we’ll buy Dad some flowers Not illegal. Let’s just call it a prank” December 2024 The mystery of the kidnapped gnomes Which vanished. Were they nicked from their homes? The truth’s now come to light About how they took flight All thanks to Sir Nicholas Soames No, not him ….. I just needed the rhyme Let’s go back 50 years to that time To when a couple of boys Thought “They’ll make good toys So into some gardens we’ll climb” Up in Formby the gnomes disappeared One by one, the front gardens were cleared The gnomes weren’t seen again From Lands End to Phnom Penh It was strange, quite unnatural and weird But last week, the strange truth it was told The thief [now over 60 years old] Was on Radio 2 Saying “Sorry” and “Oooooh …... I’ve confessed so feel slightly consoled” Louise Haigh told Sir Keir “I’ve resigned It’s unfair, it’s so cruel, so unkind Seems my phone wasn’t nicked And that box wasn’t ticked Have to say that I’m feeling maligned” “No. 10 never liked my red hair Or the colour of clothes that I wear I think Corbyn is great Maybe that’s what you hate? So I’m going. I’m off. I don’t care” Will there be other twists to this tale? Seismic and off the Richter scale? Or a storm in a cup That’s been simply whipped up By right-wingers at the Daily Mail? Gregg Wallace ……. a chef on the screen Faced scandals that caused quite a scene With whispers and claims He stepped back [with his shames] From MasterChef’s once pristine sheen DisasterChef said “Wasn’t me!” When scandals arose on TV With a grin and a wink He dodged in a blink Still cooking his dishes with glee “It’s some women of a certain age Who kick off and then get in a rage I’ve heard a rumour They’ve no sense of humour Far better if they disengage” We never saw Greg after that And everyone said “What a prat” Crept away in disgrace By himself to some place Where he ate lots and got very fat Hunter Biden had troubles so bad He got a pardon from President Dad With charges now cleared The critics all jeered And Trump said “Sleepy Joe must be mad” British Railways will speed through the land With its future in the public’s hand No longer for profit That fatcats made off it A service for all is what’s planned Elon Musk rang up Nigel and said “I thought when I got out of bed I’ll dig deep in my pockets But won’t spend it on rockets I can give it to your lot instead” “Reform is the party for me! And Nigel, I’m sure you’ll agree That we’ll crush all the rest Cos they won’t pass our test Dead cert man …… just like ABC” More bobbies will be out on the beat We’ll see them as they stroll on the street More like George Dixon Than President Nixon Saying "Evening All" as a treat The copper who lives next to us Said “What we really want to discuss Is what we’ll have to stop And then have to drop Deary me …… is saying that treason-ous?” Lordy Lordy ……. the quad-demic’s here! Don’t know why cos the reasons aren’t clear It’s all sniffles and sneezes And coughing and wheezes Let’s hope it will soon disappear Hunter Biden had troubles so bad Then a pardon he got from his dad Now The President Has set a precedent And The Donald is grateful and glad The government’s gonna cut down on waste With policies crafted in haste They’ll trim and they’ll snip And cut back and clip Then they’ll cut a bit more and then paste Justine Welby last week gave a speech It started quite badly with “Each One of you must admit I’m a bit of a wit” After that he just went on to preach Ms Rayner’s now got her own snapper Called Simon who says we should clap her He likes singing the blues And says he might choose A new name ……. perhaps Simon Zappa Reform has been joined by Nick Candy Like Nigel, he’s racist and randy In the race to the top There’ll be no time to stop Cos then they’ll be in charge of Englandy Waspi women felt shocked and betrayed With one voice they said “We’re afraid And very concerned That Labour’s U-turned Now no-one’s gonna come to our aid” “We should have retired long ago But everyone kept saying no So we’re hard up for money And the outlook’s not sunny It’s a heartless and uncaring blow” Sir Keir said “The money’s not there Our proverbial cupboard is bare You’ll have to make do I’m sure you’ll scrape through We haven’t the cash we can spare” Keely Hodgkinson won the top prize And said “What a lovely surprise Simone Biles got my vote Oh boy do I dote She’s the athlete that I idolize” Our Keely, she ran with great flair In Paris she whizzed through the air A powerful stride Gold medal …… great pride She won it with seconds to spare The banned old Duke of York and the spy Were caught – with a big hue and cry There were whispers of spies And secrets and lies The story was the best one on Sky King Charles watched TV and let fly “He was like that when he went to Dubai He just a spoiled brat Who acts like a prat His behaviour he just can’t justify” So Prince Andrew was stuffed for his lunch Christmas Day’s gonna be a long brunch With Fergie [ex wife] Oh what a sad life They’ll both probably drink too much punch And the spy? He was unmasked at last The establishment? Truly aghast Tengbo Yang is the name And he played this dark game With Andy …… a blast from the past January 2025 Hogmanay didn’t happen this year In Edinburgh, no fireworks, no cheer The streets were all bare Cos no-one was there No whisky, no parties, no beer Up in Stornaway, Jock stroked his chin He felt dizzy and started to spin He said [in a roar] “Never happened before Och aye I’ll just start drinking gin” Stephen Fry!! His name’s on the list When asked he was at pains to insist “It’s such a delight To think I’m a knight Why don’t we just get Brahms and Liszt?” Sir Sadiq shook his head and said “No” Saying “Come on Sir Stephen. You know That the headlines would say Stephen Fry …… go away None of that. Don’t you dare. Off you go” In 24 a big story broke Rishi stood in the rain and he spoke “July the 4th is the day When the country will say If I’m back or I’m yesterday’s bloke” Labour landslide the very next day We wept when we heard Starmer say “We’ll be so much better Just read our newsletter Let’s crack on. Straightaway. No delay” It went a bit shit after that When everything fell a bit flat “The money’s not there! Didn’t tell us! Not fair! Oh Rishi …... you scoundrel. You rat” Will Sir Keir come back bouncing and smiley? Will he be devious, cunning and wily? He could do a swap Rachel Reeves for the chop And instead he’ll appoint Rachel Riley She’d fixed the national budget And leave it to others to judge it For her, easy peasy How come couldn’t we see How on earth she had managed to fudge it? The social care plans of Wes Streeting Were raised at a rather large meeting “2028? You’re joking! Too late!” Then they got on their phones to start tweeting “Another inquiry’s needed!” They asked and they begged and they pleaded At first Wes said “No” But the protests did grow So then he backed down and conceded I’m Hilda, the IVF calf They’ve plotted my burps on a graph The methane is down! So I’m wearing a crown Queue up here for my hoof autograoh Now the problem’s at the other end When air hits the reticulum bend Not all the time But sad to say I’m A bit worried it’s becoming a trend Keir’s problem with Tulip Siddiq Is her aunt – a Bangladesh Sheikh And her Russian links Oligarch nods and winks Does her future now look rather bleak? “I’m in need of some ethics advice And I hope that he’ll give it half price It’s all balderdash So I’ll settle in cash While I’m waiting, I’ll sing Edelweiss” Elon said “Yes, I spoke to Farage And his chums in Reform’s entourage I can’t talk to you now Catch up later somehow Nigel’s asked for an Elon massage” Later, Musk cleaned the oil from his hands Having massaged a few Farage glands “I love Nige to bits He’s the best of you Brits We’ve just cooked up some dastardly plans” “King Charles thinks our idea is great!! So it’s done!! It’s all over!! Checkmate!! Don’t want any moaning Or whining or groaning Great Britain’s now the 51st state!!” Inflation’s down!!! Hip hip hooray!!! Keir said “I knew that we’d see the day When things would go right We worked hard all night And now the future’s looking OK” “No it’s not!” shouted Kemi. “No way I’m sure just as night follows day You’ll crash the economy Just read Deuteronomy We’re gonna wallow in gloom and dismay” Should TikTok be banned over here? Some say yes and for them crystal clear It does damage and harm And causes alarm Make it go and just disappear But the genie is out of the bottle So think back to old Aristotle He had many wise words With the herds and the birds Should we go at full or half throttle? Never used it so I couldn’t say Is it a price that we just have to pay For being connected? Should it be corrected? Hope that I’ll find the answer one day What a pity that Trump’s not in jail!! And MAGA’s just a weird fairytale So is it autocracy? Or US democracy? Answers please [you can text or e-mail] From tomorrow, he’s the President Despite being crook-ed and bent So we’ll keep fingers crossed He’ll be like Robert Frost Instead of more like David Brent Breaking news! Keir’s controlled by AI!! Just listen to his robotic sigh His monotonous tone Sounds a bit like a drone He’s controlled by a kid in Shanghai He took to the stage with a grin Saying “AI …...it’s not a sin Listen up! I’m excited Overwhelmed and delighted” Then he stopped cos he wasn’t plugged in In a world where machines start to think So fast it’s all done in a blink From doctors to art AI plays a part Transforming our lives’ every link If only AI could fix potholes We’d run many flags up big flagpoles The councils would make Roads flat [think pancake] We could use them to start playing bowls! Elon twice gave the Nazi salute Devotion to Trump absolute Many folk will agree He brings the GOP Into ridicule and disrepute Trump said that by God he was saved As he stood on the stage and he waved “I’m the chosen one God told me ….. well done You’re humble and so well-behaved” Trump’s coin. Good idea to invest? Excited? Or downright depressed? I haven’t a clue About what to do Be careful - don’t end up dispossessed So Trump spoke at his coronation “The Donald’s gonna fix high inflation Grocery bills will be cheaper With me as shopkeeper I am your only salvation” February 2025 We’re Gen Z! We want a dictator! A stirrer and an agitator Our future is bleak So that’s why we seek A disruptive communicator Alan Carr’s at the top of our list [Bradley Walsh was quite quickly dismissed Julian Clary went nuts All his ifs and his buts Had to tell him “Lay off it. Desist” Andrew Tate then popped up on TV Saying “Want to hear more about me? I’m amazing. I’m brill Just imagine the thrill When we do what we like …… we’re set free!” Graham Norton then said “Wait a mo Stop right there. Hold your horses bro …... whoa!!” Jo Brand‘s a go getter And things will be better If we let her and her mates have a go” Stephen Fry said “Load of old tosh” It’s cobblers, it’s stupid ….. oh gosh Get real, get a grip Don’t be such a drip What’s your problem? Let’s say brain and wash Runway 3 ……. will it ever take off? Please stop smiling and laughing. Don’t scoff It’ll help us to grow Be a real dynamo We might call it Mikhail Gorbachev Sadiq said he’d fight tooth and nail To stop this mad scheme fairytale “It won’t make London wealthy And our kids won’t be healthy” Then he started to whimper and wail He rang Boris and said “Let’s hold hands That’ll stop Rachel’s dastardly plans” Let’s lie down together And ignore the bad weather I’ll bring some bright yellow caftans” They laid down together for years No chuckles or laughs, mostly tears All alone in some puddles With kisses and cuddles The press called them “The Two Gondoliers” DeepSeek looked at ChatBox and said “You’re history. You’re rubbish. You’re dead I’m faster. I’m deeper And way way much cheaper And my colour’s a Communist red” “You Westerners ain’t got a clue Listen up! This is what you must do Leave it all to Beijing Then relax, have a fling And we’ll give you a ring when we’re through” Jinping got on the phone pretty quick And said “Donald, you Yankee dipstick DeepSeek’s broken through Now we control YOU Hearing that, Trumpy felt rather sick Then strangely Trump started to twitch Had someone somewhere flicked a switch? Then he suddenly froze From his head to his toes Deary me! A malfunction. A glitch The Senate said “Leave him like that He can’t touch us …… let’s call him a prat Let’s plug Elon in And connect with Beijing Fingers crossed that we’ll soon hear a splat” Cyber-farting’s considered a crime So Rhiannon is now doing time She said that the pics Were a stitch-up. A fix “Wasn’t me! You can see it’s a mime!” Her cellmate quickly laid down the law “In here I’m the boss. Listen you’re Gonna do what I say Every hour, every day First of all no more beans or coleslaw” So a diet of nuts after that And the farts? Went remarkably flat No gases escaped Cos her body was taped It was airtight ……. c’est magnificat “Trump’s a bully and a threat to the world” Said Trudeau. He protested and whirled “He’s orangey-tinged And very unhinged Look! His eyebrows are permanently furled” He’s a narcissist and what is more He’s evil. So show him the door Melania reckons That Maryland beckons She’s gonna stay there. In Baltimore But Bibi said “What a great guy I know land that this Yankee can buy We’ll ship everyone out Complete victory, a rout Then build plazas and some rail termini” “The Riviera of the Middle East” Trump thought that at the very least It would make him some millions Or should that be billions? Hey look! The price of land has increased! Will the US have a revolution? Could that be their one sure solution? Or send Trumpy to Bonn And then when he has gone Have a look at the Constitution George Washington got on the phone And said “I’m sure that I’m not alone I’ve very good reason To see this as treason Mr Trump, you just drone on and moan” “This madness can’t happen again” Said every Canadian “Come on. Make it snappy Let’s be happy-clappy Close your eyes. Say a prayer. Then amen” Scottish cats!!! You must keep them contained Kept indoors. On a leash. And constrained The report was quite clear You must keep them near Keep them docile. And quiet. And restrained Watch out what you put on WhatsApp No insults. Don’t talk loads of crap Don’t call voters hags Or mock. Or tell gags Be aware – it’s a big booby-trap Reform’s at the top of the polls Their motto? We’re after your souls 100% bad? Or are they just sad? This assortment of self-obsessed trolls Orange manbaby stood up and said “This NATO thing’s useless. It’s dead” He said to Melania “I’m gonna set up The Extraordinary Donald…… or TED” Musk whooped. And he gave a salute Shouting “Donald, there’s no substitute We need a strong man like you To come to our rescue TED’s power should be absolute” Elon’s kid was the grown-up last week With Daddy and Trump ….. what a cheek! The lad was one of those Who liked picking his nose But at least he never tried to misspeak Rachel Reeves spoke about her CV “Never saw it. It was them. Wasn’t me” Then her voice, it went higher Shrieking “I’m not a liar” Went so high that it hit middle C Oh Lordy, there’s a huge asteroid If it hits will we all be destroyed? With a flash and a boom Will it mean certain doom? Oh boy won’t we all be annoyed! In Albania, we’ve run a campaign “Don’t come here. Go to Turkey or Spain You won’t have any money And the weather’s not sunny” Critics say that it’s just inhumane Zelensky stands accused ….. “A dictator” The Donald said “Me …… I’m much greater Vlad Putin’s my chum And his time has come” Perhaps Trumpy’s the really big traitor? Every week we poke fun at Donold AKA the rat and the toad Wouldn’t it be remiss If we stopped taking the piss Come on John ……. let’s carry on being bold! March 2025 Sir Keir went to see Donald Trump Shaking hands he said “Sir you must dump Your ridiculous plans And your orange-glow tans” But he came down to earth with a bump He coughed and let out a big sigh When he saw Elon who was standing close-by He started to yell “You’re under his spell Mr President, you’re Elon’s fall guy” Then Zelensky. Trump callous and rude Obnoxious, ill-manned and crude He should be ashamed And totally blamed For starting the war of words feud “Tell me five things that you did last week If you don’t then your future is bleak We’ll give you the sack But might then take you back” Audacious way to act. Bloody cheek Trump’s Gaza video was a hoot What a bozo, a moron, a brute The people of Gaza Won’t live in Trump Plaza “I don’t care if they’re left destitute” Mike Amesbury [ex Labour MP] At this precise moment is free The sentence upended His ten weeks suspended Overjoyed, he kept shouting “WHOOPEEEE” He sunk down in a comfy settee Not with one but with two cups of tea “He deserved it that bloke Cos he started to joke Didn’t notice the CCTV” “So I gave him a few little taps OK, if you push me perhaps Maybe I went a bit far Should have looked at a star And let time float on by and elapse” Great Yarmouth MP Rupert Lowe Had a spat with Farage. Do you know Those enormous two egos Well they’re not amigos? Lee Anderson laughed “Ho ho ho” Mr Lowe said “Farage you must go Sling yer hook. Take a hike. Please don’t show Up here any more Over there ….. that’s the door Nigel burst into tears wailing “NO!!!!!!!!” Donald Trump. Is he sinner or saint? [He’s the man with the orange facepaint] Such loathsome behaviour? Or is he the saviour? Will he ever show some self-restraint? “Tariffs” – such a beautiful word World emotions were shaken and stirred MAGA folk yelled out “WOW!!! Donnie please do it now!!!” He said “Yes”!!! But then later deferred “What The Hell Just Happened” will be UK’s Eurovision entry Remember Monday’s the band They’ll be in Switzerland And for days across the BBC Under 8? Then avoid slushy drinks! They’re a hazard, they’re bad and a jinx They may look very pretty But in truth they’re quite shitty It’s the glycerol that really stinks Butch and Suni were rescued from space Suni beamed and she said “It was ace!!!! I’d do it again With my hero John Glenn!!!” But was she just putting on a brave face? Netanyahu’s out to save his own skin His justification’s so thin He should be ashamed And entirely blamed The slaughter’s an immoral sin “They’ve stopped my Procurement Card From now on it’ll be very hard To buy myself treats Without the receipts It surprised me and caught me off-guard” Israel or Hamas; which one is worse? They hunt down each other and curse Both should be like a dove Be peaceful. Show love And stop using force to coerce Zelensky’s got a lot on his plate Just imagine how much it must grate When he looks in Don’s eyes And perhaps at his thighs And mutters “My bestie …… my mate” A pint now costs more than five quid So when I go out drinking with Sid Coloured cocktails for me And he’ll have green tea Listen!!! He’s saying “Heaven forbid!” Did you see Adolescence last week? The subject – it was grim and so bleak But a brilliant watch Fantastic. Top notch [Excuse oxymoron …….. “Quite unique”] Our world. It is changing so fast Its future unclear from the past We strive and we dream Of a worthwhile scheme That will build something timeless to last Fix potholes! Or lose loads of dosh! Can’t afford it? What a load of old tosh Please stop all the moaning The whining and groaning And we don’t want to hear “Golly gosh” When Atlantic reported the facts Trump’s folk did some rather strange acts They mislead and they lied Put the truth on one side They just wanted to cover their tracks Their plans to bomb Yemen appeared We saw them. Everything. It was weird Clearly something went wrong JD said “Move along” But we clapped and we whooped and we cheered Trump said “I don’t know. Wasn’t me” The Houthis, the bombs, the Red Sea He scratched a big itch And said “It’s a glitch” Whilst Putin starting singing “Yippee!!!” The Spring statement went down with a thud First a trickle but later the flood Of cries “That’s not fair We must show that we care” Rachel’s name was then dragged through the mud April 2025 Now people get the news on their phones They get mad and release pheromones They moan and they bleat Go on Twitter and tweet Grim messages with dark overtones An MP lives with her cockapoo But so many people said “You Are just bending the rules Don’t take us for fools We’ve seen it before. Deja vu” Donald, the king of Mar-a-Lago Was looking around on Trivago “I must get away Let’s do it today First Moscow and then Santiago” He used to be called Donald Trump But his plans hit a bit of a bump The Dow Jones went down Made him look like a clown So now he’s called President Slump Israel just won’t let in supplies Do they care who lives and who dies? As Israel gets tougher Even more people suffer On TV, right in front of our eyes Donald Trump had a big tariff fit He was sure when he said “I’ll commit To not changing my mind Instead I’m inclined To say that China will take a big hit” But it all came unstuck after that Xi Jinping said “Let’s play tit-for-tat He drunk a chianti And then upped the ante By acting like a true autocrat DJT …… big surprise. He blinked first The Chinese had said “Do your worst” But the thought’s still pervading There was insider trading So when the markets said “No” …….. bubble burst Twas the biggest U-turn of all time By The Donald [I know that doesn’t rhyme] “I was certainly right” He insisted last night “For me to back down is a crime” Is The Donald America’s Truss? Or maybe he’s Truss with a plus? Narcissistic and vain Like the Moon on the wane He’s fading. Is he su-per-flu-ous? Prince Harry came to moan alone No Meghan in tow. On his own “I’ve been singled out! Like an upper class lout No police. No security zone” Let’s be clear. Working royal – that’s not you So Harry, this is your Waterloo Your Dad [Charles the king] Says do your own thing That’s whatever that you want to do It’s sunny! Hosepipe ban coming soon Our gardens are thirsty by noon The grass turns to hay And the flowers decay Fingers crossed for a downpour in June Brummie bins ……. they’ve now piled up so high The rubbish nearly touches the sky A strike caused this mess And caused much distress Brummies long for a fragrant July! Now the Birmingham rats are so big That they rival the size of a pig They scurry and squeak When they play hide-and-seek, And dance a sort of rodent-type jig The Government’s saved British Steel At the very last minute a deal Their biggest concern? Must continue to burn! They did it!! So Starmer said “We’ll …….. “ ……. now churn out tons and tons of the stuff Please believe me cos it’s not a bluff The Chinese ran it down Nearly killed Scunthorpe town But we say enough is enough” They’ll continue to make virgin steel Am I dreaming? It seems so surreal With the government’s aid The foundation’s laid For Britain’s industrial zeal From now on Scunny town is the tops Specialising in steel and flip-flops We’re sure that it’s able Did you see the fable That was written by Mr Aesops? Gary Lineker’s got a red card! He said “So unfair. This is hard But as one door now closes I think what it shows is I should have been more on my guard” What on earth is there now he can do On Saturday nights? Not a clue Because he can’t stay On Match of the Day I know! He can study kung-fu!! The London Marathon’s here once again Think the end’s somewhere close to Big Ben The costumes are funny Especially the bunny And anyone dressed as a hen Could I do it? No way. Not a chance Unless they said “Ken, you can dance” Then I’d do the tango And eat chunks of mango Placed by me on the route in advance The IMF said to Trump “It’s your fault!” What did Trump do? A quick somersault First down and then up Sycophants drawling “Yup” Then a sudden and a screeching halt Achievements in his first hundred days? What is an appropriate phrase? Unhinged and quite sick? Or evil and thick? Narcissistic and full of self-praise? “He doesn’t have the balls” said KB [The language? Un-Parliamentary] The big trans debate Served to encapsulate Keir’s problem cos he’s up a gum tree He now says the court’s made it clear Got a penis? And do you drink beer? If you do, this won’t spoil it When you go to the toilet It’s the Mens [or a bush if one’s near] May 2025 So the Runcorn MP’s now Reform She was wearing their new uniform Union Jack in both hands She waved to her fans And said “Watch as I sniff chloroform” Something strange happened soon after that When she started to purr like a cat She said “My name is Sarah And I’m going where a Lot of folk think Nige is a prat” “But listen! One of Nigel’s best mates Is Orange Man Don in the States They’re really great muckers Who take you for suckers When they talk on the stage at debates” Yes, persuasive. With the gift of the gab [In private, both like to wear a hijab] Might talk a good talk But most of us baulk When we hear them and their smash and grab One day both their bubbles will burst Till then, days will be interspersed With their rantings and ravings And hysterical cravings Which one’s gonna walk away first? Watch out with a Chinese EV! I suspect but cannot guarantee That someone is listening With eyes bright and glistening As they hear the Western bourgeoisie The Pope is dead but long live the Pope Inspired everyone. Gave us hope A good man indeed We should follow his lead Can I find a rhyme now? Sorry ……. nope Yesterday when we were with Jo She said “Your nose hairs. Boy do they show Please trim them right now Shall I show you how? Or they’ll tickle your toes as they grow” The Conclave did its job so we’ve got A new pope! Robert hit the jackpot! R. Prevost no more Cos the name on his door Is now Leo. And I’ll tell you what ……. …… the moment we saw the white smoke Loads of bets …... “10/1 it’s a bloke” Big surprise – they were right Lots of smiles, much delight Mrs Pope? Cannot be. What a joke Next day, Chicago Bob led a mass Then he said “I’ll get on an ass And go back to Peru Where I’ll sing Agadoo Oh how I miss Mama Cass” That picture of Trump as the pope Is the start of a slippery slope With a wink and a nod He’ll say next that he’s God Looking upwards with a periscope VE Day was 80 last week Nigel Farage did something unique He was quiet for a day Didn’t once have his say Instead he was humble and meek That unnerved everyone in Reform In fact it created a storm MPs argued all night Then they started to fight “We need you there to misinform” All he said though was “I’ve seen the light No more lies cos we don’t have to fight Lets hold hands and be glad We’ve got Keir – our comrade I’m off now. Far away. Out of sight” Reform fell apart after that Dame Andrea said “Lee you’re a rat” He soon became humble And started to mumble “No more aggro. I’m a pussycat” Sorry!! Canada’s not up for sale Trump’s proposal was weird. Off the scale He cannot be serious! Perhaps bit delirious? Maybe Orange Man’s big fairytale? Mark Carney. What a gracious gent So polite. But I think what he meant Was “I don’t trust you one bit And I think you’re a shit You’re disgusting Mr President” May 5th, we said farewell to Skype Remember it was launched with much hype? But the times they move on And now it has gone Way past its sell-by date …….. and too ripe Skype was around for 20 plus years Developed by tech gadgeteers But the tech world moves fast And when users were asked They said “Bin it. Here’s some big pruning shears” The First Sea Lord has been a bad boy So no longer in the navy’s employ He had an affair With someone called Claire [Or was it Mabel or Lucy or Joy?] Reform now writes government policy! And one thing I can surely guarantee Is that things won’t end well Hear the doomsday bell From Penzance all the way up to Wallasey The Qataris gave away an old Boeing They said “Trumpy old chap …… where you going?” He gave the plane a quick lick Boasted “Look ….. I’m so slick” Followed by his customary crowing When they gave Trump that very old Boeing They knew that its engines were slowing Might have soared once with grace Now would lose any race Trump museum ……… the place for its showing? William Goodge went to Perth for a run Clearly thinking “It’ll be lots of fun” Two thousand miles later He said “I’ll create a New record cos I’m number 1” He kept running for 35 days And said that he found several ways To keep himself going Completely mind-blowing He’s earned our respect and our praise Across Aussie terrain he did race With the sun beaming down on his face From Perth to Bondi Beach His record’s out of reach No-one else can keep up with his pace The Donald looked at Cyril and said “Look at this. All the crosses. The dead” But others said “Gosh That’s a big load of tosh What on earth’s going on in your head?” The winter fuel payment U-turn! MPs had expressed their concern Several had tweeted “We’ll all be defeated Pensioners need all that money to burn” Ursula von der L said “Dear Keir” Brexit is back! It’s right here! Let’s work through the night So that everything’s right Let’s make a new Europe frontier” First I’s dotted. Then T’s were crossed [Keir did it with his fingers crossed] It took them a while And then a big smile “We’ve cracked it …… no sovereignty lost!” Kemi B quickly gave us her views But was drowned out by fishermen’s boos “The end’s nowhere in sight So we’re all gonna fight Tell Keir that he’s got to refuse” But Keir said “My deals are the best Just watch as I puff out my chest India and the States …... …… we’re great trading mates Next Canada and then all the rest” Driverless cars will be here quite soon I wonder if they’ll be immune To bumps and to knocks? Will they have childproof locks? On the plus side, for many a boon Gary’s now left the BBC A red card from its own referee He tweeted a rat And quickly said that “Didn’t spot it at all. Didn’t see” We can see all the harm Thatcher did When she lifted that “Privatise” lid She was on her crusade And no way was she swayed Her mantra? “Hurry up ….. make a bid” Her plan was so bold yet so rash To sell off the state in a flash Turned out mostly a wreck Cos no balance or check Genius? Or complete balderdash?
Did you see those three Scottish ospreys? They’ve been back there for several days Empty nest in the bough Cos no eggs as of now The Woodland Trust deserves credit and praise Occasionally they move and take flight Strong wings and their spirits so bright With fish in their clutch They soar oh so much A breathtaking sky-high delight
It’s gone missing!!! The semicolon Fall in standards have taken their toll on Standards. So I say That way back in the day It was frequently used by Marc Bolan
South West trains – nationalised! Owned by us The first journey? A bit on a bus Was that a surprise? In a public franchise Some say that twas ever thus Till then, they were only for profit With prices that soared like a rocket But now they’re back home We can feel free to roam Fingers crossed that we’re not out of pocket Kim Jong-Un was upset when his boat Sprung a leak and did not want to float Someone pulled out the plug So they needed a tug The skipper was made the scapegoat Up to then it was sitting so proud Its crew cheered and clapped very loud But with one awkward tilt It sank to the silt Now they’re dodging the shame from the crowd June 2025 Donald’s bromance has ended in tears Elon threw a strop saying “Here’s What I think of you all You’re creeps and you crawll You losers now need new careers” The implosion was a joy to behold Just think, if MAGA members were polled Would Trump come out top? Would Elon then flop? Who would win? And then who would just fold? Even Putin broke into a smile “I’ve known Orange Man quite a while If you want my advice I’ll be clear and precise Just send him away in exile” In Scotland, Labour won. Reform third Chirpy Keir said “I feel rather spurred On to do more And show Reform the door” You could tell his emotions were stirred Thames Water took a whacking great hit And their bosses were forced to admit That they’ve wasted our money And it’s not at all funny How they pump out and talk loads of shit Last week it was the talk of the town With pipes springing leaks up and down Discontent grows and grows They said “Trust us. We’re pros” That left Londoners wearing a frown They were sinking and drowning in debt Keir & Co then had a quick tete-a-tete They agreed on a plan Which was much better than Hesitation, delay and regret Thames Water’s in the last chance saloon Keir’s plan? “Wait until there’s a full moon Then flog it half-price To Reform’s Richard Tice Cos that will be most opportune Keir’s Strategic Defence Review Posed the question “What should we now do?” In this new world order He’ll said “We’ll award a Great big defence contract [or two]” “I’ll keep you all safe. That’s my job” He pulsated and started to throb And turned rather red When he got up and said “Gotta go cos I’m starting to sob” A dozen new nuclear subs!!! Was the talk of the town in the pubs They’ll all need good locks When they’re parked in the docks So make sure that the padlocks are Chubbs Just imagine that fleet out at sea Those subs! Yes a dozen! Not three They’ll be ready to fight In the day [not at night] After 6 you’ll just hear “Let us be” Sir Keir said “I want a Dad’s army My idea is great! It’s not barmy Here’s what I’ve planned All over our land Each town’s gonna have a Corporal Jonesy” The 21st century Home Guard Are committed to work very hard To protect our great sites Like latter-day knights Including Downing Street and The Shard Police dogs! They don’t get a pension Though loyal beyond comprehension They sniff out the crime Work long overtime Yet never get proper attention The winter fuel payment is back! Bank balances back in the black With fires aglow And blankets in tow Thanks Rachel for your change of tack LA – invaded. Occupied Trump explained why …… but he lied National Guard and Marines Were his fighting machines Not as bad as the Donald implied Simply throwing more fuel on the fire That was Orange Man’s biggest desire He said it out loud “Be MAGA! Be proud!” So the anger would get even hogher Your HS2 train is delayed That message was widely displayed Heidi A ….. “Wasn’t me! And I hope you’ll agree They left me a train hand grenade” That grand high-speed line HS2 Promised speed. And efficiency too With delays so immense And ballooning expense It’s slower than trains that went “Choo” Then HS2 went off into space And escaped Network Rail’s budget race With rockets and flair It zoomed through the air And parked on the Moon just in case Are you just like me? Mystified The changes. Are they right? Justified? We ask where? When? How much? No idea. Double-Dutch Going nowhere. But Heidi …... you tried It was Costa del Eastbourne last week! And a practical cooling technique Is to nip through the door Of a big Tesco store To the freezers and buy frozen leek Then go to a place all alone Or maybe with a chaperone Let the ice start to melt Tuck the leeks in your belt The most wonderful feeling you’ve known! At Devonshire Park the sun’s rays Put the crowd in a kind of a craze They all yelled “It’s too hot” Umpire ruled “No it’s not Shut up and sing La Marseillaise” Blaise M is the first female C Said the headlines but some disagree Judi Dench got there first When she was immersed In the Bond films we see on TV Wait! J wasn’t C ……. she was M in The franchise of double O seven A favourite buzzword Was shaken, not stirred And who wrote the books? Ian Fleming Sir Keir’s got a lot on his plate He sat next to Trump and said “Mate The Middle Eat tension Demands your attention The US of A don’t look great” Trump’s new name is Armaged-Don Remember the bust-up with Macron? Supreme narcissist Go away! Won’t be missed! And take your hair with you ….. you moron Keir’s 5% spend on defence Fingers crossed. Said in the future tense He said “That’s our aim In this budgeting game Pragmatic and clear commonsense NATO said “We’ll spend more! Don’t you fret Lots and lots! And we’re not finished yet They bought tanks with bling And drones that could sing Didn’t care about being in debt At the summit, they all made a vow “More missiles. And definitely now” They beefed up the spend With no finish ……. no end For milk, each ship now has a cow On TV Trump said a rude word When questioned “No way. That’s absurd Fake news! Wasn’t me Wasn’t there. Ask BiBi” It wasn’t The Donald you heard” Trump’s posting called “Bomb Bomb Iran” Was designed for the MAGA-hat fan When you think this hate-sower Can’t go any lower He shows us each time that he can July 2025 The Donald’s Big Beautiful Bill Gave ManBaby such a big thrill “My friends will make money This land’s milk and honey The poor? They’ll just stay very ill” A tear trickled down Rachel’s cheek She knew that her future looked bleak It had all gone so wrong This could be her swansong There she was. All alone. Up shit creek But then her big smile …… it came back! Her future wasn’t looking so black When he got out of bed Keir rang her and said “Rachel …… you’re not getting the sack” She burst into tears once again Looked up and jumped over Big Ben After that she went back To resume the attack On PIP claimants saying “Auf Widersehen!” AI’s taking over more jobs First it was Stan’s and then Bob’s Rees-Mogg and his chums Said “We’ll keep our incomes Cos we’re posh and entitled and snobs” In a statement the BBC said “Whoops sorry. Should have pulled it. Braindead Bob Vylan the rappers Went on like the clappers And the atmosphere went to our head” King Charles said goodbye to his train And spoke of the hardship. The pain “I’m royalty class Have to get a bus pass And so will my butler called Wayne” Corbyn thought “A new party I’ll form That’ll cause quite a bit of a storm Keir won’t like it one bit It’s a sure Jezza hit Think I’ll call it The Left Wing Reform” Obama’s Peace Prize …… so Trump wants one too Trouble is he’s got no follow-through He talks a good talk But he don’t walk the walk Let’s hope this is Trump’s Waterloo? 50 come in so 50 go out After that, they’ll shake it all about They’ll hokey-cokey a bit And wait for a permit Doomed to failure without any doubt Sycamore Gap; those morons said that “Everybody should come and look at What we’ve done [we were pissed] Take that tree off your list” Then to prison and the welcome mat Their Gap Years? They got 4 and not 1 You dimwits!!! Do you know what you’ve done? You’re entirely to blame Hope you’re both full of shame Fingers crossed prison life isn’t fun That landmark by Hadrian’s Wall So historic. And proud. Standing tall Out of your mind Immoral. So blind We watched its last act. Its last fall “The UK’s very special” said Trump [Sounds increasingly like Forest Gump] “My big beautiful bill Gives me such a thrill” Hope that Trump falls to Earth with a bump He said “Vlad Putin’s let me down” Scrunched his face up. A very big frown His ankles were puffy And he sounded quite huffy He looked like a big orange clown “The list’s on my desk” Bondi said “Handwritten by Epstein who’s dead You can see it one day But while I’m here? No way Do I look like a complete dunderhead?” Then she flustered and blustered and lied Looked so innocent. Very wide-eyed She squirmed and she twisted “It never existed!” No-one believed her …….but she tried! I’m 16!!! So I want the vote!!! And from Homer Simpson ……. a quote To Lisa and Bart “Plot your life on a chart” [Think that’s more or less what he wrote] Votes at 16! A good thing or not? Liz Truss said “Well maybe. I’ve got Some really mixed views About this voting news A big non-event? Or red hot?” Some teens got their views from a meme And plotted reforms mid ice-cream TikTok [their good friend] Said “I recommend That you start a new party called “Scream” Got a hosepipe? Then leave it alone If your garden’s rock hard …… like a stone Absolutely no bans On watering cans That gardening tip is well known A gardener here [name of Dan] At first just ignored the pipe ban “I can’t stand idly by And let my flowers die” So he came up with a masterplan But a super injunction stopped that Lips are sealed ….. by government diktat All I can say here Is that it involved beer And Dan ….. human sprinkler …… laid flat Council leader. 19. Called George Finch In Warwickshire. Said “It’s a cinch I’ll save loads of dosh Just like that …… bish bash bosh From now on you can call me George Grinch” Nigel gloated “Reform’s got his back As he gives loads of people the sack” George looked in his eyes Then rubbed Nigel’s thighs The future in Warwick looks black Diane Abbot’s again got the sack Perhaps this time there’s no coming back? First black woman MP London Borough [Hackney] Likes to give Labour leaders a whack But not Corbyn. She likes him a lot For years they used to scheme and they’d plot To start a revolution Thinking “That’s the solution” What did they achieve? Diddly-squat First Greg Wallace and then John Torode Denied breaking the BBC code “It’s must be a no-hoper To say I’m not a groper But Torode? He’s a racist. The toad” Hang on! What about all the flashing? No pants …… “Look at me, I’m so dashing” Listen up! What’s that noise? Think you’ll soon lose your poise Your careers …… can’t see them! They’re crashing! Greg snorted and said “What a farce As he whisked three duck’s eggs in a glass “I’m the Master Chef pilot So shy. Shrinking violet” He was talking [of course] through his arse August 2025 The Lionesses were winners last week!!!!! For a long time their prospects looked bleak It was too close to call Everyone gave their all Squeaky bum time! [Did you hear the squeak?] They stood there. Their nerves were alight In the penalty’s merciless fight With one final kick It was swift, strong and slick They won it so deep in the night Lucy Bronze played with a fractured leg She begged to play ……. boy did she beg Her middle name’s Tough And if that’s not enough She dined out on cheese and poached egg Why’s my resident doctor not here? The answer? “We made it quite clear When we spoke to Wes Streeting At our most recent meeting We’d be striking again like last year” The resident doctors were blamed Their feelings were hot and inflamed They said “We feel poor You must pay us more” Others said they should all feel ashamed Please bring back the junior docs!! They didn’t put down any blocks Knew all the diseases The sneezes and wheezes As well as measles and chickenpox The Donald met Starmer and said “Did you hear Jeffrey Epstein is dead? They say he made a list Of the females I kissed I just can’t get it out of my head” That “list” ….. AKA “Epstein Files” Allegedly goes on for miles The press did their best They asked questions and pressed But Donald was full of denials Ozzy Osbourne ……… farewell ……. R.I.P Up in Birmingham all you could see Were Black Sabbath fans One kept waving his hands Chanting “Ozzy ….. your spirit’s now free” Prince of Darkness ……. a part of our youth [Though some people thought him uncouth With wide eyes they’d stare “There’s no melody there” But we knew that he sang the truth Air Traffic Control said “A glitch Means travellers may have to ditch All their holiday plans And forget getting tans Really sorry. We know. It’s a bitch” Sir Keir and Sadiq don’t agree About Heathrow’s runway no. 3 Khan said “I’ll stop the diggers With cunning and sniggers” Keir’s response? “We need a referee” But the plans are already in play For more take-offs and much more delay For planners ….. all cheers But the locals shed tears Cos their gardens might soon fly away The wind speeds were high with Storm Floris Gusty [a bit like Nadine Dories] So name a storm after her! I hope you concur? If not, perhaps Horace or Maurice? Weather vanes didn’t know what to do They yelled out in the wind “Can’t be true!” They spun round and round Without making a sound “Truly awesome” was their point of view Fulham’s bishop stood in his dressing gown On the stage with a big angry frown “It’s gone way past 10 So I’ll say it again Go home cos you’re getting me down” The choir and audience were shocked They stood up singing “Bishop Defrocked” So with no more ado He sat down in a pew And felt well and truly bollock-ed Trump’s cut drug prices by who knows %? But insisted “I know what I meant I can say what I like In my USA-style Reich Cos I’m Donald and I’m President” Rushanara Ali evicted Her tenant and was then depicted As a hypocrite cos At the same time she was A minister with wounds self-inflicted The state pension ……. at 70 one day? The unions protested ……. “No way Working people call for “Tax the wealthy much more Don’t wait. Do it now. No delay” 70? Then an eye test for you Here I go. Fingers crossed till they’re blue “Read that number plate” “MTB 458 Hang on! No it’s not …. It’s a 2!” When Starmer said “I’ll smash the gangs” At first there were some birthing pangs Tried reason and charm Weasel words and some smarm Then resorted to physical bangs Don’t bother to buy it, just nick it From any size retailer outfit That’s what the gangs say And keep at it all day Carry on. Steal to order. Don’t quit All the shelves …… they stood empty and bare Couldn’t stop ‘em. Had to look on and stare Just couldn’t be stopped So they nicked till they dropped Anything …… all the time ……. everywhere Gabby, Chappers and Kelly said “We’re Very sad and so sorry to hear That ITV’s now got Gary And Barry and ‘Arry Don’t worry …... they’ll be gone in a year” Washington …….. the new Gotham City Said a pivotal Senate committee The Caped Crusader is back Again dressed in black A bright orange face though …. not pretty Taylor Swift has just made her fans swoon Ecstatic? They were over the moon “Life Of A Showgirl” Made all their toes curl And they stayed like that all afternoon Alaska welcomed Donald and Vlad Both Presidents said they were glad To sit down and talk And then go for a walk And reminisce about Stalingrad Vlad Putin didn’t have to be slick And whilst much of the world took the mick Donald licked both his boots And then ironed his suits Days later I’m still feeling quite sick "I’ve seen dinghies!" said MP Rupert Lowe The time’s come to say “Stop it” and “No” But it all became clearer When the dinghy got nearer Mr Lowe’s a racist so-and-so He said “Look like migrants to me” No! Rowers. Raising funds. MND Land’s End ….. John O’Groats I think this denotes Mr Lowe should not be an MP The Cambridge dictionary’s new words A letter to The Times said “Absurds! We must use English proper Or we’ll all come a cropper Ridiculous! Away with the birds!” But a delulu Gen Z in a suit Claimed “Skibidi!” had made him astute With a mouse jiggler near He dodged work all year Yet made lots of broligarch loot Princess Kate stroked her wavy blonde hair And admitted “Did it for a dare” Wills was mortified ….. shocked Said his world had been rocked He was sure that some people would stare Rayner said “My new flat down in Hove Is marvellous. A real treasure trove You’ll never guess who I now live next door to Believe it or not …… Michael Gove” Farage …… “I’ll stop the boats in a day Please listen to me when I say No messing about Hesitation or doubt I’ll do it. Very quick. Straightaway” It’s been hotter than ever this year So Morris Men drank lots of beer They all got a great tan And kept cool with a fan As they twirled away on Eastbourne Pier Taylor Swift said to Travis “I do Our engagement is long overdue I love you to bits Plus the glam and the glitz So excited!! Whoopeedee and Yoo Hoo” The Swifties erupted [loud cheer] When Travis knelt down with a beer They started to sing At the sight of the ring “Taylor ….. this is your golden year” Each Swiftie will cheer and then cry For Taylor, they’ll reach for the sky With baubles and bangles Also Mr Bojangles They’ll follow her tour till they die September 2025 A Putin-loving Trump sycophant Got excited and started to pant “Though his ankles aren’t slim And he’s really quite dim He’s my hero. My one confidante” Farage …… up in Clacton? No way! Again in the US of A He said “No free speech!” And then started to preach About freedom and the CIA So Reform has said “Hi” to Nadine That curious Tory has-been What a treacherous bunch When it comes to the crunch They’re dangerous. Repulsive. Obscene RFK said “No vaccination Trust me! That way’s our salvation” The man is a model For talking pure twaddle And causing such big consternation Everywhere the flags are now flying And lots of us are dismal and crying Those dishonest liars Have started the fires Can’t people just see that they’re lying? Sir Keir’s said goodbye to Ang Rayner He said “Had to go. A no-brainer Don’t want to sound snooty Got it wrong about duty She’ll bounce back cos she’s a campaigner” Asylum? It’s back to square one Nigel said “Look, so far all we’ve done Is to escort boats over For their landing in Dover So the soft leftie lawyers have won” But Shabana Mahmood said “Not so! The Home Secretary said that she’d go Into isolation For the sake of the nation Then a shake-up. No more status quo The tube drivers all went on strike Sir Humphrey said “Gosh. Where’s my bike?” When he gave it a shot He wobbled a lot So he tried out a tandem and trike That picture [that Trump didn’t draw] Technically did not break the law Him and Jeffery great mates There are no mistakes Let’s be honest ….. we all knew what we saw When Harry met Daddy last week He said “Your forgiveness I seek Just ignore what I wrote Cos I’m not a turncoat It was Meghan! She made me misspeak!! Lord Mandelson’s just lost his job Cos of Epstein. He started to sob “I have many regrets And constant night sweats I shouldn’t have opened my gob” “We’ll send all the immigrants back!” Said Farage to a Daily Mail hack “When people have read it I’ll get all the credit They’ll say I deserve a blue plaque” A blue plaque for Farage? Absurd When he opened his mouth all we heard Were indignant tirades On his party’s crusades But many hung on his every word Musk said “Parliament must be dissolved” And outlined his plans that involved Giving him and his shower Absolute total power Job done. Problem sorted. Resolved He popped up on a video link And then told the crowd what to think Tommy R said “Yay bro We love you [and your dough] But I think you’d look better in pink” Protesters then showed their frustration And said “Come on Keir! Ask the nation! Call the vote! Don’t be coy! Tommy’s our poster boy” Thank goodness it’s pure speculation Off to Windsor and Chequers Trump went He’s supposed to be the President But he’s banning free speech When he said “I beseech Take Kimmel off. He’s past it. He’s spent” Donald’s arteries started to pump And he danced with a hop, skip and jump He said “Needs some gold And a big TRUMP [in bold]” Then he drew a new throne for his rump Jimmy Kimmel is now off the air His monologues hit Donald where It hurts the most So now Jimmy’s toast It’s just spiteful. Vindictive. Unfair There’s many a voice – clear and bright Which speak for what’s just and what’s right Though some may oppose Free speech still bestows The power to challenge with might That voice [still so bright and so clear] Said loudly “Let all people hear Though some words may sting Free speech lets truth sing And stops us from living in fear” Next week up in Liverpool ….. Keir Will have to watch out and be fear- Ful of Andy Burnham Who thinks he could turn ‘em Against him as leader. Oh dear Keir looked nervously up and he said “That’s so hurtful! I’m off now to bed To study Fence Sitting And U-turns and Quitting I’m going to learn it all from A to Z” The 2nd runway at Gatwick has got The green light!! Wow, this news is red hot!! Environmentalists groaned Then they wept. Then they moaned Cos what did they get? Diddly squat There’s a field very close to Gat-Wick Where the queue of planes builds up quite quick When a new runway is laid The flights won’t be delayed And passengers will clap shouting “Slick!” Trump is now the top world expert on Autism. Common sense? Seems it’s gone What’s the word that I’m seeking? Is it creaking? Or freaking? Nearly there! Yes I’ve got it! Moron! His comments - they were made with much heat And shared to the world in a tweet Though the science said “Nay” He said “This is the way” The professors stayed quiet and discrete Don’t you long for those times way back when The Founding Father whose first name was Ben Showed wisdom in silence And total reliance In the lips-sealed approach of Bill Penn? We’ll all have an ID card soon Is Keir dancing to Farage’s tune? Will it matter one jot? All the critics say not But Keir said he’s over the moon The Duchess of York heard last week When some charities started to speak “We don’t like the news Jeffrey Epstein ….. your views Goodbye Sarah. It’s over. Be meek” October 2025 It was the speech that Sir Keir had to make Last chance saloon. Make or break I think he pulled it off Despite a spasmodic cough His view? “Easy peasy. Piece of cake” Will we get our money back from MedPro? Michelle Mone said “No way! You can go And shove it where the sun Doesn’t shine. Think I’ve won And I’ll stay in the Lords ……. ho ho ho” Lady Mone [with her PPE stash] Was told to return all the cash When asked “Where’s the dough?” She said “I don’t know” Waved goodbye and was gone in a flash Trump on the UN escalator Jabbed his finger and said “Find the traitor Who made it all stop That was over-the-top And treason - cos I’m a dictator” "I was putting up a flag when I fell Cos I’d fallen right under the spell Of all the hatred on Twitter That made me so bitter But now I know better, I’m swell” Jilly Cooper’s a mystery to me Although from the news I can see There was no-one called Tracey In her books [which were racey] Farewell Queen of the Bonks R.I.P We read “Bonkbuster” time and again “What’s it mean?” pondered innocent Ken “No idea” replied John “It’s a typo” said Don Then no more discussion. Amen The world gets most of its energy From renewables!! However the Climate change deniers And science defiers Fundamentally do not agree The worst of them ….. Donald J Trump Perhaps he’s the new Forest Gump? “The windmills kill birds!” His wise words to the nerds Sounding just like a grumpy old chump Honest Bob was in Handsworth one day Looked around and he said “I must say I looked into the night For anyone white Only me. No-one else. Not OK” In Herefordshire’s charm and peace Surrounded by ducks and some geese Jenrick dances a jig In Eye Manor [it’s big] Often wearing a turquoise codpiece Bobby dances with flair and with grace His codpiece made of velvet and lace His jig and his jiggle Makes everyone giggle While RJ tries to keep a straight face At the Tory Party conference last week The mood was subdued and quite bleak Kemi started a storm Saying “Ignore Reform” Nigel hit back and said “What a cheek!” Donald Trump said “The Peace Prize is mine!!!!” Why didn’t they all toe the line? I’m the angel of peace OK, slightly obese” Then a grumble, a whinge and a whine “They should have given the Peace Prize to me!” Are they blind? Are they deaf? Can’t they see? Me and Bibi are chums And when the time comes We’ll claim it with President Xi” “It’s back to 2020 again!!!! Remember what I did? That was when I started a riot And wouldn’t stay quiet And neither would my MAGA men” Farage said “Yes I knew Nathan Gill” He was caught with his hand in the till A bribe from the Russians Then EU discussions His codename was Welsh Daffodil Once he’d started, that Welsh Daffodil Couldn’t stop. Had no backbone ….. no will And when Russia [due East] Brought a caviar feast He passed out when he looked at the bill They swooned over Trump in the Knesset Come on! Don’t be shy! Just confess it! He just saved your bacon But don’t be mistaken That man, he tells lies and talks shit The scene there was nuts. Quite absurd Loud cheers everywhere could be heard Orange Man lapped it up And he kept saying “Yup” Has he ever – even once - kept his word? There’s never been so much applause Trump milked it …… “This is also my cause” Lot of grins ear to ear But some mutters “Oh dear” Clearly thinking of his many flaws Mrs Thatcher; an affair with Tim Bell? And we all thought we knew her so well Her husband called Denis Laughed “Tim? He’s no menace No way is he an infidel” But where were Tim’s hands at the table? “I’m feeling down here for the cable” Was he fondling her knees? Quick rub then a squeeze Is it true? Or a mythical fable? Did Maggie have a tender soft spot? For ringing a Bell? Sure not The Iron Lady ….. A teensy bit shady? Perhaps she thought Timmy was hot “Dad will go to heaven” said Eric It’s so peaceful and calm. Atmospheric Then God said “No way! Hear my words. Clear as day” Mysterious and quite esoteric Imagine Donald Trump in the skies And with him, a dozen red ties God’s verdict? “You fraud Your paperwork’s flawed I’ll file it under Heavenly Lies” The banned Old Duke of York has been stripped Of his medals and gongs. He’s been clipped Sarah’s ex hubby Is mucky and grubby But the obnoxious creep’s still tight-lipped “Peppercorn”. What an interesting word Nowadays, it seems slightly absurd But back in the day A poor tenant would pay Just one - with further payments deferred Prince Andrew [he of regal descent] A disgrace. So aloof yet so bent The Royal Lodge is grand But he’s shunned and he’s banned And he pays just a peppercorn rent As a young man, so dashing. So spry Now missing out on the Balmoral pie No trooping the colour He gets duller and duller Fills his days just repeating his lie That robbery at The Louvre made me think Was their leader Monsieur Rinky Dinque? His trademark was there It made everyone stare They were dressed head to toe all in pink A ladder, the Louvre and those jewels Were security out playing boules? Priceless artefacts nicked Many consciences pricked “We’ve been taken for mugs. We’re the fools” While the guards lobbed their boules with great flair Those thieves dashed through halls for a dare In eight minutes flat They were gone ….. just like that Not a beret disturbed or a glare Sumo wrestlers flew in from Japan To the Royal Albert Hall where a man Looked at one and then said “Your buttocks ……. nak-ed No way was that part of our plan” “Put these shorts on right now if you please You might find it a bit of a squeeze Believe me, I’m no prig But your buttocks are big Use this oil and they’ll glide on with ease” Rachel Reeves said that Brexit’s to blame She loaded her words and took aim Boris Johnson said “Piffle” But then started to sniffle “I’m so sorry” but that sounded lame Rachel R – she’s in charge. At the helm That black hole’s looming large in her realm Increased taxes in sight Sleepless night after night It’s threatening to overwhelm But then a solution one day A limerick tax! That’s the way! “No way” shouted Ken Again and again She eventually said “That’s OK” So she then said “I’ll tax all your sneezes And each time that cold water freezes I’ll tax all your blinks All your nods and your winks And all continental cream cheeses” King Charles and the Pope met in Rome Far away from his usual home They spoke of the poor And peace evermore And prayed where the saints used to roam They had an idea ……. “Why not merge Our two churches and then have a purge? Our differences gone In the new Babylon Our beliefs would then slowly converge” Then they thought “Maybe God has a view?” He said “I don’t care what you do But I’m still the boss Keep the wine. And the cross Go for it! This is long overdue” November 2025 The screw said “Hadush Kebatu Off you go. Toodleloo …… shoo Your name’s on the list So please don’t persist With your protests and your ballyhoo” He consulted his big crimson file But misread the outcome of the trial He threw open the gate Said “You’re free!! Ain’t that great!!” And then closed it again with a smile When they checked in his cell later on They wondered “Where on earth has he gone?” They searched through the night But no trace ….. not a sight That just couldn’t be ….. he’s a con Hadush knocked on the door the next day The one thing that the screws heard him say Was “You’ve got the keys So let me in PLEASE! And I’ll promise that this time I’ll stay” Will Rachel put up our income tax? She met with Sir Keir “Here’s the facts The country’s gone bust I’m confused. Quite nonplussed Deary me. All my fault. I’ve been lax” Then she said [with a glint in her eye] “Let’s tax looking up at the sky Then all dogs and socks And magnets and clocks” And Sir Keir? He just let out a big sigh He just couldn’t help that big frown “Perhaps you need to go and lie down? Maybe you’ve lost your touch Cos it’s proving too much? You remind me of Coco the clown” Rachel’s husband - no licence to let Dishonest? Or did he forget? What aren’t we being told? Surely lets …… they’re controlled! They sat down for a quick tete-a-tete “You bozo. You half-wit. You fool” Said Rachel “The cardinal rule Is don’t get found out And don’t create doubt So put on a disguise ……. this cagoule” Now Andrew has got his just desserts No longer a Prince ……. how that hurts So now His Royal Slyness Is not a Royal Highness But goes around wearing hairshirts Andrew [formerly known as a Prince] Tried so hard but he didn’t convince If we all had our say Would we all vote “No way!”? Perhaps then he’d be known as a grinch So it’s not going that well in Kent For Reform - all that talk of dissent The shouting and swearing Plus snarling and staring And each day more tales of discontent “If they don’t like me swearing ….. tough luck” Said the leader with gusto and pluck “They can all go and swivel With their moans and their drivel As for me, I just don’t give a hoot” David Beckham has got a new gong So Victoria sang him a song He dressed a strange way On his special day And turned up just wearing a thong Should we now say Sir Becks or Sir Dave? He knelt down and said loudly “I gave My best years to Man U I’m a Red through and through” As for wearing a thong? “That was brave” A trillion’s got how many noughts? “I’m worth it! For trillions of thoughts” Elon gave a salute And said “Don’t give a hoot Just read my financial reports” I’ve watched Traitors a couple of times [Whoops! Need to find wording that rhymes!] Can’t do it …… I’m stuck Golly gee that’s bad luck! It happens. Not a lot but sometimes The top traitor last week? Alan Carr “Hey Claudia ….. you’ve made me a star I’m now the top Traitor North of the Equator” The Faithfuls all said “Yes you are” In that castle of secrets and lies Alan Carr took the ultimate prize Showing stealth and deceit As he turned up the heat Then the tears ….. they just flowed from his eyes So Zohran will be New York’s mayor 34 …….. a Muslim with black hair His last name’s Mamdani Straight talking ….. no blarney “I’m coming after you Trump!! So beware!! “But I’m better looking” said Trump “He’ll come down to earth with a bump Lots of people all stare At my blond wavy hair” What did Zohran reply? “He’s a lump” COP30 met last week in Brazil The atmosphere? Cold …… a big chill Some big countries weren’t there Do they know? Do they care? So who’ll pay the price? We all will Wandsworth Prison – on every front page David Lammy flew into a rage A very big shout “That’s two more let out!!!” Critics said “Calm down Dave! Act your age” Then Billy Smith said “Take me back” Couldn’t bear to hear that attack On poor David L So back in his cell Is Lammy now in line for the sack? The other chap’s back inside too He so missed what the screws used to do First they’d sing him a song Then some games of ping-pong And to finish a big barbeque “I might grant you a pardon Ghislaine If you say all this stuff is insane All you’ve got to say Is “Donald???? “No way” Then hop on the Trump gravy train” “No thanks” said Ghislaine “Cos this place Where I’m staying is brill!! It’s so ace I’m head over heels Cos I get special meals And the occasional trip up in space” But the massage? And trips to the spa? Come on! Surely that’s going too far And the butlers called Phil And Daniel and Bill Who take turns to serve drinks at her bar Sam Zitouni saved lives on a train And prevented more suffering. More pain I must get across He deserves the George Cross! And each week a big crate of champagne In fact, let’s go further than that And give him a big Thankyou hat We should make him a knight What an awesome delight Then ask Sir Sam in for a chat Sir Sam said “No problem for me” As he sat down for a cup of tea “In the cubs DYB DYB DOB I was doing my job And I think Baden-Powell would agree” Come on!!! Free the Sea Life 15 Poor penguins. Do you know where they’ve been? For fourteen long years Every day penguin tears It’s not healthy. Not bright. And not clean We pay money to go see them suffer But maybe it’s me who’s the duffer? Some MPs sent a letter Saying “Make things much better” Their poor lives just can’t be any tougher The public grew weary and tired And chanted “What’s quickly required Give them all a new home Set them free. Let them roam” We’ve got one here …… just acquired So, no increase in income tax!! Rachel said “Oh I think I’ve been lax Sally-Ann [my pet gopher] Found some dosh down the sofa “Hope the OBR’s now got my fax?” Then she thought “I’ve got money to spare” So she took Sally-Ann to Times Square They played pitch-and-putt And scoffed a donut Quickly followed by a chocolate eclair But then Trump found out she was there He rang to say “I hope you’re aware The Beeb owes me money I’m suing. Not funny Want to take me on? Don’t you dare!!!! Great news! Line of Duty is back! We thought Ted had gone. Got the sack With Kate and with Steve And would you believe Arnott’s waistcoat’s now pink …. it’s not black! Yay!!! AC 12 is back on the case Are bent coppers still running the place? How much longer to wait Till we see Steve and Kate? And Ted? Or is he still a disgrace? They’ve nabbed H. So they’re now after J “Mother of God!” said Hastings “One day A new tape recorder Will do what I order And start working with no long delay” We’ve missed those bent coppers and diesel And the organised crime boss called Giselle Also Mother of God The whole AC12 squad And H. Ian Buckells. The weasel “All change!!” said Shabana Mahmood The Commons went quiet and subdued “From now on to be British You must be a bit skittish Like warm beer, swear a lot and be crude” “Well I never!! We’ll have more of that!!” Said Nigel as he talked through his hat “She sounds just like us Is it time to discuss Reform and a big welcome mat? Bridget Jones is now in Leicester Square “Adorable. Cute. Love her hair” Said Renne Zee “She’s cuter than me” Then they stood side by side ……. what a pair But the statue last night …… it just froze Then she managed to wriggle her toes It was Bridget renewed! So the pigeons all cooed “We’re all friends. We’re all chums. Amigos” Is the statue a Bridget too far? Perhaps we should ask Alan Carr? He asked his waiter Who said “She’s a traitor!” So we waved it goodbye ….. au revoir Will the bin strike in Brum ever end? “It’s driving me mad! Round the bend!” Said Ken from Small Heath “Me too!!” shouted Keith “The council should give in and just spend!” The bin bags - they’re piled up so high That they practically reach to the sky The stench ….. so intense It could knock down a fence All the pigeons wear gas masks nearby But the Birmingham rats? Much delight As the bins stay unemptied each night They feed on the scraps [Most of all bacon baps] And sing “Please carry on being tight!” Then those rats made an audacious bid Led by Roland a ratty whizzkid “We’ll take over. No fuss Just leave things to us” And they cleared up the bins for ten quid Rachel Reeves explained her mansion tax “It’s needed to cover my tracks” Cos a surplus appeared Not the black hole she feared She told us to “Calm down. Relax” She said “All you Tories, I urge Please watch as I go on a splurge I’m gonna break all the rules And put teachers in schools And the Commons and Lords ….. they’ll just merge” All those tales of Farage’s schooldays When he wrote many shameful essays Never racist directly It was more circumspectly But that obnoxious whiff? It still stays “I was there with Farage” said Jim Bell “His nickname back then? Tinkerbell I think I would advise Don’t believe all his lies Young Farage was as racist as hell” Our right to a trial by our peers 12 people and 24 ears The Blockhead’s Ian Dury Once sat on a jury Verdict “Guilty” ….. which meant seven years Another jury when faced with a case Had discussions all over the place They went into a trance And just left it to chance To give themselves some breathing space Many Crowborough folk are irate Very angry. Annoyed. In a state They marched through the town Chanting “Close that place down” Having swallowed social media bait The COVID report ……. no surprise There it was right in front of our eyes Baroness Hallett said “Yes A dysfunctional mess You should have been alert and more wise” The pandemic provoked much debate But our leaders responded too late The Inquiry’s refrain Was “Lives lost in vain” We must learn. The response wasn’t great December 2025 “Rage Bait” – that’s the phrase of the year And everywhere we seem to hear Too much taunting. Inciting Insulting and fighting Oh please go away. Disappear So many posts now full of hate Collectively known as Rage Bait Then multiple threads Mindless twits lose their heads And trolls all insist “Hatred’s great” On the banks of the Digital Stream Stood a troll with a glint and a scheme He dangled a hook Which made people look And it landed the angriest meme Trump Derangement Syndrome …….. TDS Now the world’s in a dangerous mess Some fans wear MAGA hats Are they crazy as bats? Resist! Cos we can’t acquiesce! The FIFA Peace Prize is a joke Infantino gave Donald a stroke “I’m on bended knees Accept this prize …... please” Trump grinned and then said “Okey Doke” No water in Royal Tunbridge Wells! Pretty soon in the town some strange smells Disgusted [from the town] Wrote “It just won’t flush down” Her letter touched nerves and rang bells TW is Royal and it’s spa But townsfolk must now travel far To just wash their hands And dishes and pans The situation is bad and bizarre Jezza and Zarah ……. “We’re starting Your Party. But it’s rather disheartening To watch you tuck into beans And then bread and sardines And all we hear now is you breaking wind a lot” Is Your Party just wind and hot air? Its birth pangs were too much to bear In-fighting and feuds Left wing attitudes And those two in charge ……... what a pair “I wasn’t racist!” said Farage last week “I was timid and nervous and meek A real shrinking violet Rated five on Trustpilot Never once did I ever misspeak” “Everyone spoke like that way back then I did it again and again It’s banter …… a joke But now everything’s woke Bernard Manning’s my hero. Amen” That liquor store and the raccoon It got drunk and was found about noon Laid out on the floor Mumbling “My head’s so sore Go away. But please come back quite soon” He eventually went back on the street And went to a raccoon retreat He was still very drunk [Proverbial skunk] And his views on the day? “Really neat!” For $12 [that’s £8.99] “As Ever” is yours and its mine This new chocolate bar Won’t go very far Cos it melts in your mouth ……. quite divine Meghan Markle ….. it’s her latest thing With bee pollen and weird colouring Harry’s eyebrows shot up Lilibet shouted “Yup Let’s give some to Grandpa …… the king!” Take Back Power threw crumble and custard At first the beefeaters were flustered This fruity shower Occurred in the Tower But the culprits were soon filibustered The Crown Jewels were all well protected Such vandalism not unexpected Guilty parties were collared They protested and hollered And then marched to the door and ejected Trump’s been given the FIFA Peace Prize He modestly said “No surprise All the wars that I’ve stopped The whole world should adopt My love for fake tan and French fries” What goes on inside King Donald’s mind? He believes he’s the gift to mankind Sycophants all around Metaphorically crowned Surely not. We just can’t be that blind Fans cried when they heard FIFA’s tricks Seat pricing just knocked them for six Three grand just to cheer “Too much!! Way too dear!!! That’s £10 for each of the kicks!!” It’s here!! It’s arrived!! Superflu!! All the sneezes and sounds ……. “Atishoooo” Use a hanky with flair Don’t spread germs through the air Drink plenty and eat vindaloo That Superflu came fully caped “I’ve made it!! I’m here!! I’ve escaped!! It flew through we air People looked up to stare And excitedly pointed and gaped So it’s Great British Railways ….. brand new Bright colours of red white and blue After its first long journey The driver called Ernie Said “We’ve been here before …… deja vu” Always smiling was train driver Ernie He loved steam which had stoked his life’s journey Though diesel was fine He longed for the shine Of a boiler all hissing and burney The shortest day!!! And it’s cold and grey So the sun didn’t bother to stay It got up with a yawn And was gone before dawn And we said “That’s our light for today” Did you see that big Druid display When they gathered at Stonehenge to say “Though the sunlight’s not here We’ll still drink our beer For the shortest of days is today” Hang on!!!A few Druids were cross They felt the whole day was a loss But the Met Office said That they all should have read The signs that were there in the moss Claudia and Tess said goodbye The audience buzzed ……. on a high When they waltzed out the door Fans cried “Just one more!” But they said “No we can’t ……. we’re too shy” But what now for Tess and for Claud? Their exit left viewers quite awed Perhaps a big spree With an afternoon tea Either here or go somewhere abroad January 2026 Immoral, depraved and corrupt Trump was rude. He was crude. And abrupt It’s too broken to mend Will it ever end? Or will anger heat up and erupt? Maduro was snatched from his bed He looked at his wife and he said “Don’t worry my honey I’ll just pay them some money Or oil ……. they can have that instead” Venezuela has got lots of oil Lakes of it. Underground. In the soil “It’s rightfully ours” Sang Donald for hours Accompanied by Susan Boyle He started to hatch out a plan As he spayed on his deep orange tan So it’s drill baby drill And keep drilling until The proverbial shit hits the pan Want a tanker? Then just help yourself Got one here. Have a look. Off the shelf Just one teensy snag It ain’t got a flag So just paint one and christen it Relph “I want Greenland” said Trump to the world Many eyebrows were instantly furled “Hands off cos it’s ours!” Said the Danes with some flowers But conspiracy theories then swirled Storm Goretti arrived here last night Not the weather for flying a kite “Strong winds ……. 90+” Said Elizabeth Truss After that she was blown out of sight Roads closed. Schools were shut. Lots of snow The Birmingham sky a pink glow In Scotland so bad Angus said “Och it’s mad Our bahookies will freeze don’t you know” South East Water just don’t give a hoot All they’re interested in is the loot Very quick to take money And it’s not at all funny So let’s give Mr Hinton the boot It’s a scandal. A racket. A fix When he and his chums play their tricks He’s a scurrilous vandal Who just hides from this scandal But still gives himself 8 of 10 ticks Was Dave Hinton’s January dry? Did the absence of drink make him cry? So was his solution To seek retribution And turn off the taps and just sigh? Sack ‘em. Tell them all “Just get lost” Make it clear …… don’t let wires get crossed If he starts to quibble And perhaps starts to dribble Just explain about counting the cost Kemi Badenoch has sacked Honest Bob! When she’d done it she said “What a knob! He’s a rat and a con And I’m glad that he’s gone To join Farage and his nasty mob” She sacked him before he defected And said “It’s just what I expected” He left Kemi a note And in it he wrote That he’d always felt rather neglected “Come and join me!” sang out Bobby J “And inevitably we’ll see the day Nige will be the PM It’ll be us versus them He’ll take a new path ….. a new way” Perhaps he’ll wear a red MEGA hat? With his anthem a track from Take That? He’ll march round with his brolly And look like a wally And act like an arrogant twat What goes on inside Donald Trump’s head? It makes most of us cringe and see red So let’s give him a prize For speaking such lies In everything that he’s ever said Greenland. So it’s now a Don deal Manbaby grabbed hold of the wheel Plans went this way and that People said “What a prat” While he scoffed a McDonald’s meal Day after day it gets madder And Trump? He gets worse. He gets badder Is it really true That when he goes to the loo He stands there and talks to his bladder? The latest. About Afghanistan NATO troops. Every woman and man None of them dodged the draft No, for them all hard graft While Donald applied his fake tan Big backlash. Change of tack the next day But there’s one word that Trump cannot say Rhymes with Corrie and MORI And quarry and lorry But Trump just can’t say it. No way Andy Burnham – is he coming back? Keir’s future looks decidedly black Angela’s view Is “Andy!! Yoo hoo!! It’s time to give Starmer the sack” Would I vote for Andy? Oh yes!! And so would Ms Phillips [that’s Jess] And so would her Mum [She thinks Starmer’s dumb] She loves Strictly and Daly [that’s Tess] Then out of the blue came Liz Truss “Vote for me!! Because I’m Labour Plus My manifesto Is Liz-A-Go-Go” Voters verdict was “Superfluous” Wes Streeting said “Don’t forget me! I’m versatile, funny and free” He cracked a few jokes And then drank some Cokes And slowly climbed down from a tree February 2026
My Joke Limericks 
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